Surprise! It’s April Fools’ Day, which can only mean one thing: The Chronicle’s evil, satirical twin, The Chomicle. This is the best reporting we’ve done all year!
So, why don’t you take some time off from standing in line for tickets to stuff and posting about your STA199 crush on Fizz to check out this year’s selection of not-at-all-award-winning journalism?
‘News’
Ken Jong held in East Campus tunnels, Duke brings him out whenever they feel like it
Duke alumni poster child Kenjamin Jong was confirmed to reside full-time in the tunnels underneath East Campus to ensure he is available whenever University administration needs him to boost school spirit.
Duke decommits from climate
In a move that went largely unnoticed by the student body, University administration decided to end their trailblazing efforts to address the global climate crisis (rolling out UNIV102).
Duke administration installs landmines on Abele Quad to deter student demonstrations
University administrators are finally responding to allegations that they have not taken a strong enough stance on recent student protests by denouncing them all equally using explosives.
BREAKING: NC state legislature unveils time machine, overrides Gov. Copper's veto before it’s even issued
“Today marks a great day for science, but it’s an even better one for democracy … Finally, we can fulfill our ultimate responsibility to the good people of North Carolina by overruling the decisions of their elected leader and just doing what we think is best!”
‘F*ck it, just send every junior to Kuwait’: Duke Global Education Office discusses even more changes to study abroad program
Following student outcry around the recently implemented caps to study abroad programs, Duke’s Global Education Office reportedly gave up and decided to send everyone to Kuwait.
Duke closes herbarium, replaces with dispensary
The decision was met with mixed reviews by students and faculty who remain unconvinced that University administration can do anything right.
‘It’s the least we can do’: Duke launches initiative to donate student food waste to Durham homeless shelters
The initiative, which took effect Sunday, works to collect food scraps from the conveyor belts in the Marketplace and Brodhead Center dining halls, rolling them in garbage bins to one of three nearby homeless shelter locations.
Man who sued Baldwin Scholars for “reverse discrimination” sues AGAIN over the “Girls, Gays and Theys” C-1 van
The man who alleged last fall that Duke’s Baldwin Scholars Program engages in gender discrimination is now suing the University again, this time targeting the Duke Vans driver who lets female students board first.
‘Sports’
‘Colossal ineptitude’: Duke men’s basketball advances to Final Four after NCAA President Charles Barckles fires refs
NCAA President Charles Barckles, whose bracket was definitely not busted to oblivion, overturned Duke’s Sunday loss to N.C. State, saying the organization had no choice but to just "scrap the whole lineup, every official, they’re all gone.”
BREAKING: Club curling member spotted in WU, flocked by student fans
Fifth-year Ben Chwarmer, starting lead for the club curling team, was spotted by students ordering lunch in Western Union Wednesday afternoon, prompting diners to swarm him and ask for autographs.
‘We needed a center’: 2024 5-star recruit Baron Crump commits to Duke men’s basketball
The five-star point guard becomes the seventh commit in this year’s incoming group, creating a stacked roster in Durham alongside fellow superstar Salutetha Flag.
‘Recess’
New Chef’s Kitchen pop-up to serve exclusively kale salad and Ozempic
The move received support from a number of student organizations, including Vegan Supremacy, the Wellness Family, and a pre-medical fraternity.
‘Opinion’
In defense of Duke HRL
It’s time we show our support for Duke Housing & Residence Life and all they do to support the student body’s every need.
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