Ken Jong held in East Campus tunnels, Duke brings him out whenever they feel like it

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Following rumors of his appearance at Shooters II and Pi Kappa Alpha Interstellar, Duke alum poster child Kenjamin Jong’s residence in Durham was confirmed, but not where you might expect. 

Horn E. Randy and Stone R. Wilson, two Duke first-year students, made a shocking discovery Sunday night in the tunnels of East Campus. 

The duo says that while completing “graduation requirements,” they stumbled upon a makeshift cage — roughly the size of a Blackwell dorm room — with Jong inside.

The cage, complete with an egregiously high bed, LED lights and an ottoman with a handle of vodka inside, confirms Jong is at the mercy of Duke President Fincent Spice.

Jong has been forced to speak at basically every University-sponsored event, acting as a secondary mascot to the Blue Devil.

“We love Mr. Jong! He represents the best of Duke, and by locking him up, we can ensure he is featured at every event possible,” said Director of Questionable Affairs Harry Phat MacHahond. “Hopefully, the more we parade him around, the more we build the Duke community with even larger donations from the same people we’ve been begging for money for years now.”

Ultimately, MacHanond admits that holding Jong captive is necessary for the University to save money on expenses.

“We acknowledge that Mr. Jong is very busy, but it is easier for us to just keep him here, against his will, all the time. Think about all the costs involved with flying him out and having him stay somewhere. We can ensure he is at all the important events, like the kickoff of the arts or whatever which was the …” MacHahond mumbled before excusing himself.

University funds saved from imprisoning Jong will be used to increase Duke's holdings in fossil fuel companies and create more useless administrative positions.

When asked how the tunnels were accessible to students, Mr. Beau Zough, director of pointless projects and general administrative bloat, confirmed that the passageway opened due to the recently begun Lilly Library renovation. 

Following the revelation, the University announced plans to move Jong to Edens Quad 3B, saying “It’s really not that bad.” There, he will likely go unseen until the next event for rich alumni, which is rumored to be another Centennial celebration event, complete with mediocre catering and poorly attended student programming.

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh, or at least cry. 


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