After months of student protests and demonstrations on issues ranging from unionization to divestment to other stuff our lawyer advised us not to mention, Duke administrators have finally decided to respond.
President Fincent Spice held a press conference Monday to announce the University’s purchase of several truckloads of Vietnam-era M4 anti-personnel mines to be installed “as soon as we can find someone who will do it.”
The mines, acquired from a weird guy with a lot of tattoos and a thick Eastern European accent, will be buried in the most common “protest spots” on campus, including the lawn in front of the Duke Chapel, the residential half of Abele Quad and the Allen Building.
The decision comes after months of student demonstrations, which caused chaos on campus and inconvenienced thousands of students, faculty and visitors trying to ignore social issues and spend more time on their Disney World-looking campus where poor people don’t exist and all the food is tasty and purchased with fake money.
“How will I be able to pick up my crepe from Café while it’s still warm if a graduate student demanding a living wage is blocking my way?'' asked junior Audof Touch, a cultural anthropology major who lives on Central Park West but spends his summers in Martha’s Vineyard.
Student groups who have been known to protest on the soon-to-be-mined locations have expressed mild frustration — but not surprise — at the unconventional approach to controlling demonstrators.
“I mean, I think we knew this was coming,” sophomore Ka Boom told The Chomicle. “Admin has gotten more and more frustrated with us as we continue to ask the supposedly climate-committed institution to divest from Exxon and BP.”
The installation of the mines has also raised concerns from alumni, although not over the issues one might hope.
“What about the beautiful landscaping?” demanded Rich Arse-whole, Trinity ‘78. “Surely burying the landmines will disturb the soil and the grass. I simply can’t support a project that will disturb the beauty of Duke’s pristine campus.”
Despite some opposition from insignificant student and alumni voices, the project is set to move forward without obstacles after the Board of Trustees unanimously approved the purchase during its Sunday meeting. The installation is set to be complete by April 15, which means it probably won’t actually be done until September 2028.
Spice also added that there would be mines placed in and around Krzyzewskiville, “because f**k em, that’s why.”
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh, or at least cry.
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