BREAKING: NC state legislature unveils time machine, overrides Gov. Copper's veto before it’s even issued

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Republicans in the North Carolina General Assembly announced Monday a new time-bending concoction that would accelerate how the state’s sausage is made.

NC House Speaker Tom More told reporters that legislative aides have completed the finishing touches on a time machine housed in the old State Capitol building. 

With Republicans holding a supermajority in both chambers of the state legislature, vetoes of legislation by Copper have repeatedly failed to stop bills from being implemented, such as those that have banned members of the LGBTQ+ community from entering public spaces and Democrats from running for Congress. 

Rather than sit around and wait for the 10 days, Democratic Gov. Ray “Placeholder” Copper has to make his veto, the new time machine will enable legislators to bypass the waiting period and overrule the veto before it even happens.

“Today marks a great day for science, but it’s an even better one for democracy,” More said. “Finally, we can fulfill our ultimate responsibility to the good people of North Carolina by overruling the decisions of their elected leader and just doing what we think is best!”

Other senators echoed More’s sentiment, attempting to relate to the masses by using basketball lingo.

“Imagine if Duke was down 12 points with 3 minutes left — why even sit there and watch the rest of the game?” added Senate Majority Leader, Republican Pall Neuton. “Just end the game bro. It’s over.”

In the revised state legislative process, after a bill is passed, More and Senate President Pro Tempore Fill Burger will hold hands and complete the 10-minute walk to the time machine. After pulling the lever, time itself is fast-forwarded 10 days, at which point More and Burger will return to their respective chambers to overturn Copper’s veto.

Republicans have already passed one bill through the new process, which ensures workers get no compensation for time-skipped labor, including the initial 10 days skipped when passing the bill. The bill also prohibits diversity.

“This new machine will help accelerate our vision to keep North Carolina the worst state to work in across the country,” More and Burger said in unison. “We will continue to keep fighting for the rights of some people in the great state of North Carolina.”

When asked to comment on the effect the time machine will have on the democratic process, Duke political scientists expressed that a Copper veto is as useful as rules in the Duke Community Standard that bar students from using ChatGPT to write their essays.

“I don’t even care at this point,” said Professor of Political Science Justin Payne. “He was pretty useless and it was sad to watch, so if this speeds things up I guess I’m fine with it.”

In other news, the N.C. General Assembly moved to divest North Carolinians of all voting rights, allowing them to streamline legislative processes even further.

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh, or at least cry. 


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