In an email to the Duke community, new Executive Vice President Dan McGoldvard announced a stunning shake up to housing administration.
Current head of Housing and Residence Life Joe Schmozalez will be replaced by none other than Pour Lee Placed, CEO of MisHandled—the moving company that lost everyone’s shit last March.
“Schmozalez has served Duke admirably during his tenure,” McGoldvard wrote, “but with COVID tightening our budget, we really needed someone like Ms. Placed who really knows how to cut costs.”
When COVID-19 forced Duke to close after spring break, students needed a way to get their belongings back to them. After a thorough search, Schmozalez and co. picked the first result that came up on Google, MisHandled. They swiftly proceeded to lose everyone’s shit.
“I came back to Durham and found my room was completely empty,” said junior Amy Gru. “My minions pajamas, my minions jewelry, my minions 'magic wand'… all gone! I kept calling MisHandled and they just asked me if my refrigerator was running.”
In a statement to The Chomicle, Placed expressed how excited she was to begin her new role.
“Duke needs a housing leader who understands competence is so unattainable and expensive that it’s not worth even trying,” she said. “I am proud to be that leader.”
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.