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Someone get rid of the loud-ass Chapel bells

Editor's Note - All articles featured in The Chomicle are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

I have had enough. 

Every weekday, as I’m sitting down to my important work as editor of The Chomicle, I’m interrupted by the most hideous, earsplitting, obnoxious sound known to man: the Chapel bells. 

I get it. The bells have a long and storied history at Duke. Most people think they sound nice. The guy who plays them is called a carillonneur, which is objectively badass. 

This opinion section of this newspaper, however, exists to air my personal grievances, not to produce responsible journalism. And I swear to God, there is something about hearing Christmas carols played at the volume of a rock concert that is going to make me lose it. 

I hear them in my dreams, taunting me in their deep, booming voice. Okay, I’m making that up, but at least once a week I’m in a meeting and I can’t hear myself think over the sound of some lame classical piece. 

“DING DONG DING DONG,” the Chapel bells said when I asked if they had anything to say for themselves. 

Am I too cheap to buy noise-canceling AirPods? Yes. Do I care? No. Should Duke cease a decades-old tradition to suit my needs? Absolutely. So sign my petition to help correct this injustice. 

Matthew Griffin is the greatest Chomicle editor-in-chief of all time. Because this is satire, it’s up to you to decide whether he means anything he wrote here. Also, he thinks the University carillonneur should get with the times and add some hits to the mix. Who doesn’t want to hear “WAP” on the bells? 

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back. 

Matthew Griffin

Matthew Griffin was editor-in-chief of The Chronicle's 116th volume.


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