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‘It’s under the thong’: Inside administrators’ search to retrieve students’ essential belongings

The Chomicle

<p>Duke dorms in 2017. &nbsp;</p>

Duke dorms in 2017.  

Editor's Note - All articles featured in The Chomicle are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

After students were told they couldn’t come back to campus, housing staff committed to going through students’ dorms and retrieving their most prized possessions (as long as those most prized possessions had something to do with their classes). 

As the only Chomicle reporter left on campus, I decided to shadow a group of staff responsible for packing up student dorms. I put on my mask—bought at the affordable price of $50—doused my hands in homemade sanitizer and joined a group of Horror and Revolution Life staffers.

“Personally, I enjoy doing this,” said Joe Schmo, an HRL staffer who wore a polo shirt buttoned all the way to the top. “The smells of half-eaten Easy Mac that for some reason hasn’t been thrown away, shitty air freshener that almost masks the aroma of pot and bedsheets that haven’t been washed since September just really bring me back to my college days.” 

The first room on the agenda was junior Chad Weede. Showing an uncharacteristic interest in rules, he was insistent about asking if there would be any disciplinary action taken for items that the staffers came across. 

“The textbook is right there, in the side drawer of my desk,” Weede said to the HRL staffers via FaceTime. “No, no, God no, not the top drawer! OK, yes, that one. Ignore the little bag with white powder, that’s my… uh… baking soda… for baking. I love getting baked—I mean baking. This isn’t going in The Chomicle, right?”

Next up, Amy Gru's dorm. Getting her computer and charger was straightforward, but the housing brigade had quite a tough time finding her spare contact lenses. She tried to guide them through it via Zoom call.

“Okay, so you see the yellow stick-thing on the shelf?,” Gru said. “The one with the minions on it? You know, minions, the cute creatures from the ‘Despicable Me’ franchise? What do you mean, you’ve never seen ‘Despicable Me’?! Never mind. The contacts are right next to that. Hey, don’t knock it over! Why is it vibrating, you ask? It’s a… magic wand. A minions magic wand. Got it on eBay. This isn’t going in The Chomicle, right?”

At the end of the day, the HRL staffers shipped everyone’s stuff, fish were left for dead and some choice prescription medicines were taken from students’ rooms for administrators to enjoy.

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back. 


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