The independent news organization of Duke University

The Chomicle 2021: The best damn thing you'll ever read

Satire from the Chronicle

There are two commandments to April Fools Day: prank your friends/family and read The Chomicle. We can't help you with the first commandment, but we can provide you with the V.116 Chomicle, the finest satirical journalism available today.

'News'

Diverse frat boasts multiple variants of COVID-19

Phi Omicron Omicron went out of their way to make their fraternity a safe space for the New York, South Africa, Brazil, U.K. and California strains of COVID-19.

Duke to replace Marketplace with one big-ass trough

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The trough, which reportedly cost $43 million, will replace Marketplace, the East Campus dining hall home to well-loved campus eateries and also Stix and Steam.

Duke to replace head of housing with CEO of company that lost your shit last March

Current head of Housing and Residence Life Joe Schmozalez will be replaced by none other than Pour Lee Placed, CEO of MisHandled—the moving company that lost everyone’s shit last March. 

Duke’s conservative sounds off on dining

Asked about his favorite dining location on campus, Duke’s Campus Republican gave his thoughts—on how oppressed conservatives are at Duke. 

EXCLUSIVE: The aggressive emails admin left in drafts

Subject: C’mon you douchebags, stop partying 

Body: Dear asswipes, Stop partying. Stop it. Seriously, we mean it. Stop it.

NC to lift all COVID restrictions so Duke students can finally enjoy LDOC

For the concert, the Duke Union for Underwhelming Programming plans to hire pirate cosplayers to sing sea shanties popular on TikTok.

'Features'

EXCLUSIVE: Beachside Cabo interview with junior Steven Kinzer, who asked to remain anonymous

Kinzer, who feared retribution from administrators, has brown hair, brown but sort-of-hazel-in-the-right-light eyes and goes by Kinz to his friends. 

Disaffiliated fraternities excited to finally break some rules

“Me and the boys would spend hours reading printouts of student conduct policy material,” senior Vin Yardvines said. “I guess we’ll finally have time to do other stuff now.”

WaDuke residents complain about bad hot tubs, rude servants

Sophomore Legga C. Admit noted that her servant forgot to add olives to her Monday morning martini.

From adderall to alcohol, here’s what students stockpiled for the lockdown

“People say most Duke students are substance-dependent,” reflected sophomore Nattie Light. “We have different addictions based on the day of the week.”

'Sports'

A day with Coach Mike Knickerbockers, a true man of the people

7 a.m.: His alarm blared, sounding like a crowd of cheering students. Then I looked over to the foot of his bed, where animatronic students rose up and begin bowing down to him. 

Ranking Duke’s stadiums, by how easy they are to break into

burglar in stadiums


Here at The Chomicle, we believe in following your dreams. Which is why we decided to break into all 10 facilities that Duke uses for athletic competition.

'Opinion'

Editor's Note: Someone get rid of the loud-ass Chapel bells

“DING DONG DING DONG,” the Chapel bells said when I asked if they had anything to say for themselves. 

'Photo'

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Dueling graffiti found late last night on the East Campus bridge.


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Exclusive photo of Duke's contact tracing efforts.


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Nugget gets COVID. SAD!

More headlines

  • Duke Admissions adds “Are you an asshole?” question to Common App; unclear what end goal is
  • Housing assignments determined via Magic 8 Ball
  • Duke offers $1 off tuition for getting surveillance tested at 10:20 a.m. on the dot
  • All of Duke fencing’s fan bemoans not being able to attend
  • Classroom Building renamed Richard M. Nixon Building
  • Opinion: During these trying times, I should be allowed to swim in the Gardens pond
  • Campus Panda Express gone after student buys the panda with stimulus check
  • Duke becomes Myers-Briggs test optional
  • Study: 16% of Pratt students starve after Twinnie's closes for the year
  • Duke to disaffiliate from Durham

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