There are two commandments to April Fools Day: prank your friends/family and read The Chomicle. We can't help you with the first commandment, but we can provide you with the V.116 Chomicle, the finest satirical journalism available today.
Phi Omicron Omicron went out of their way to make their fraternity a safe space for the New York, South Africa, Brazil, U.K. and California strains of COVID-19.
The trough, which reportedly cost $43 million, will replace Marketplace, the East Campus dining hall home to well-loved campus eateries and also Stix and Steam.
Current head of Housing and Residence Life Joe Schmozalez will be replaced by none other than Pour Lee Placed, CEO of MisHandled—the moving company that lost everyone’s shit last March.
Asked about his favorite dining location on campus, Duke’s Campus Republican gave his thoughts—on how oppressed conservatives are at Duke.
Subject: C’mon you douchebags, stop partying
Body: Dear asswipes, Stop partying. Stop it. Seriously, we mean it. Stop it.
For the concert, the Duke Union for Underwhelming Programming plans to hire pirate cosplayers to sing sea shanties popular on TikTok.
Kinzer, who feared retribution from administrators, has brown hair, brown but sort-of-hazel-in-the-right-light eyes and goes by Kinz to his friends.
“Me and the boys would spend hours reading printouts of student conduct policy material,” senior Vin Yardvines said. “I guess we’ll finally have time to do other stuff now.”
Sophomore Legga C. Admit noted that her servant forgot to add olives to her Monday morning martini.
“People say most Duke students are substance-dependent,” reflected sophomore Nattie Light. “We have different addictions based on the day of the week.”
7 a.m.: His alarm blared, sounding like a crowd of cheering students. Then I looked over to the foot of his bed, where animatronic students rose up and begin bowing down to him.
Here at The Chomicle, we believe in following your dreams. Which is why we decided to break into all 10 facilities that Duke uses for athletic competition.
“DING DONG DING DONG,” the Chapel bells said when I asked if they had anything to say for themselves.
Dueling graffiti found late last night on the East Campus bridge.
Exclusive photo of Duke's contact tracing efforts.
Nugget gets COVID. SAD!
- Duke Admissions adds “Are you an asshole?” question to Common App; unclear what end goal is
- Housing assignments determined via Magic 8 Ball
- Duke offers $1 off tuition for getting surveillance tested at 10:20 a.m. on the dot
- All of Duke fencing’s fan bemoans not being able to attend
- Classroom Building renamed Richard M. Nixon Building
- Opinion: During these trying times, I should be allowed to swim in the Gardens pond
- Campus Panda Express gone after student buys the panda with stimulus check
- Duke becomes Myers-Briggs test optional
- Study: 16% of Pratt students starve after Twinnie's closes for the year
- Duke to disaffiliate from Durham
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