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Why my thongs are essential items

The Chomicle

Editor's Note - All articles featured in The Chomicle are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Just a few weeks ago, Duke let us know that we wouldn’t be allowed to enter our dorms and retrieve our stuff, opting instead to make an aspirational promise: to ship us our “essential items.” To add insult to injury, they decided to consider negative three things “essential items.” So in addition to not being able to finish out our time at Duke this year, all of our underwear is trapped on campus.

Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I brought like five pairs of underwear with me on spring break. Two comfortable pairs for the plane, and three more fashionable—but not scandalous—pairs for the other days. Am I supposed to do laundry every three days from here on out? Start wearing old bathing suit bottoms as underwear? Use the classic inside-out strategy? What is the protocol, Joe Bongalez?

Maybe you guys have an endless supply of panties waiting for you in your drawers at home, but I like to bring all my underwear to school so I only have to do laundry twice a month. I think I speak on behalf of most Blue Devils when I say that the only reason I do laundry is because I’m completely out of thongs.

So now I’m sitting here, SOL, wondering why my underwear are not considered essential items. Who made that call? Which one of you decided that my passport is more important than my undergarments? Maybe you feel comfortable spending your days of quarantine with nothing between your crotch and your denims jeans, but not I, sir.

All this to say, if you catch me going commando over this quarantine, blame it on Duke.

Sia Lamebrams is a Trinity senior who is actually pretty pissed about this on behalf of all students, even though she lives off campus and has safe access to her underwear.

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back. 


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