Duke Parking and Ticketing Services pulled in $785 billion in revenue for the fiscal year from fines and parking passes, The Chomicle has discovered.
The tremendous earnings come just months after the department upped its staff to nearly 7,000—enough for one employee to monitor every undergraduate’s car at all times. The move helped the department shatter its $700 billion goal.
“We are thrilled to have achieved our revenue goal once again, fulfilling our mission of stripping broke college students of every last penny and shred of dignity," said Pinto Bean, the czar of Parking and Ticketing Services, sitting on a recently purchased gold-plated chair.
The earnings report comes weeks after PTS announced it would be seizing 1,200 Blew Zone spots to build its new headquarters, outfitted with white neoclassical columns and its own bowling alley. To help pay for the construction, parking pass prices were raised to $1.75 million per month, effective last fall.
“It will allow for around-the-clock monitoring for potential revenue opportunities,” Bean added.
The move will also mean that students will now have to move their cars to a remote facility in Chapel Hill before football games, Bean said, and failure to comply will result in towing to Charlotte and a $10 million fine.
“We have to do this so that we can park close to the stadium for tailgates,” he explained. “It’s just the way it is.”
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.