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Duke to increase basketball game attendance by not admitting so many damn nerds

The Chomicle

The student section comes alive as "Everytime We Touch" palys before the player introductions.
The student section comes alive as "Everytime We Touch" palys before the player introductions.

Duke has unveiled a new admissions policy designed to boost basketball game attendance: capping the number of nerds admitted to the University.

In response to alumni complaints that the student section’s energy had diminished in recent years, Duke commissioned a task force to remedy the issue. After two hour-long meetings, the task force concluded that there were too many snot-nosed goobers with their heads stuffed in books around campus.

“Our hope in revamping undergraduate admissions is that we reject the people who care about dumb things, like grades and learning,” task force chair Cameron Crazie said. “Only by admitting students who think about sports 24/7 can we hope to make the student section great again.”

The new policy will also make the ACT and SAT optional, but require a modified version of the basketball test administered to tenters for the matchup against UNC. Prospective students will trade in the opportunity to show off their writing or math skills, and will instead be asked to recall the number of turnovers the Blue Devils had in the Syracuse game, among other important pieces of information.

“We want people who care more about X’s and O’s than A’s and B’s,” Director of Undergraduate Admissions Kristof Gutenmorgen said. “Gone is the era where we admitted solely on academic merit, without accounting for basketball passion in our admissions scoring system.”

Students and alumni are speculating about whether the move will return the student section to its heyday in the 1980s, when the University’s sole qualifications for admission were being white and rich.

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back. 

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