The independent news organization of Duke University
President Price seems to have forgotten that most students at Duke do not speak broke. Therefore, I, Monday Monday, champion of the vernacular of the common (top 1%) man, have taken it upon myself to translate the announcement into more accessible language.
AI wrote this column and is now coming to steal your girlfriend. Humans are causing a mass extinction event. The world is burning. Boo. Whatever. No one reads The Chronicle. No one reads the anonymous satirist.
Whether you’re reading this on a Monday night or a Thursday morning, it is absolutely essential that you and I engage in amazing and consensual sex before our planet is consumed by the biblically foretold devastation of climate destruction.
“Being an employee does not necessarily make you an employee,” said the provost. “Nugget, the beloved canine who was arguably golden and sometimes appeared to retrieve things, was not necessarily legally a golden retriever."
Some uninformed souls may bemoan the selection of Mr. Silver as a step backwards for Duke. They may deride him as “just another cis/straight/rich/white/man.” They may say things like “Why couldn’t we get Obama?”
While this may all seem trivial, the investigation explains that it is all part of a highly concerted effort to sow unhappiness in university students and make us all into communists.
I peeked into rooms that seemed, at least at a glance, impossible: a study space so large I couldn’t see the other end, a classroom with all the desks on the ceiling, and an affordable campus dining option.
“What if we made mobile orders into NFTs?”
This new housing option provides a variety of benefits for students, such as being closer to classrooms and libraries, making sure each resident gets plenty of fresh air, and promoting a better sleep schedule by getting rid of the ability to ignore the sun in the morning.
The progress flowed faster than you can say “Milton Friedman is kinda the GOAT fr.”