'We've heard enough': The Chronicle to end 'Student Voices' columns, Monday Monday reports

No more opinion columns. In a unanimous vote of everyone here at The Chronicle (according to the count of Monday Monday), editors and columnists alike have decided that the collective Duke community has heard every single opinion, and there are no more left to share. 

“The Chronicle has been around since 1905. Nothing you can come up with can possibly be as funny or interesting as anything we’ve published in the last 100 years. Don’t believe us? Go on, check the archives. We can wait,” read an exclusive statement from The Chronicle's editors obtained by Monday Monday. 

All the opinions have been exhausted. QuadEx is good, QuadEx is bad. Duke is too elite. New York is overrated. Top social scientists at Duke agree: We have run out of things to talk about. Ever wonder why The Chronicle rarely prints these days? It’s because ink is expensive, and we can’t afford to keep printing things that everyone already knows. 

“In this time of political strife, we should be in solidarity with one another. Let’s save our disagreements for the things that actually matter, like Nicki Minaj’s new album and thoughts about the newest Hunger Games movie,” The Chronicle’s memo read. 

Instead of wasting time on opinion pieces, The Chronicle will now focus on covering what’s important: basketball games, tennis games and more basketball games. In place of the student voices section, The Chronicle will be quadrupling the amount of crosswords. 

Campus celebrities everywhere are frustrated by the news. “This is unbelievable!!” wrote junior Emily Mu in a Class of 2025 GroupMe post that received five likes. 

Duke students have lived their whole lives being told they are smarter and more interesting than the average person. Opinion columnists dare to challenge this and say: “Untrue! Our opinions are just as boring as everyone else’s.” 

The ban, of course, does not apply to the ever-witty, ever-original Monday Monday, because someone has to keep quality satire alive on this campus. 

Monday Monday thanks their five loyal fans for their support this semester. Their shrewd takes will return for more satirical shenanigans in the coming Centennial.


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