It’s the week after Valentine’s Day, and perhaps you — like thousands of other students at Duke — are still single and contemplating if you’ll ever be loved. You are not alone: Marriages are in decline. Birth rates are down. Depression and isolation are at record levels in the United States. In 2023, the US “epidemic of loneliness” was declared a public health crisis. All around, people are more disconnected. But never fear — as always, a group of Duke CS majors has developed a solution.
“Many have tried and failed to solve the problem of loneliness at Duke — the Marriage Pact, the Fluke Marriage Pact, the K-Ville Marriage Pact — but they’re missing the point,” junior Getsmahd Bintches says. “Marriages are out. Ambiguous, mutually-frustrating and labelless relationships are in. It’s time to update our algorithms.”
Bintches is one of three students that has developed the Blue Devil Situationship Match (BDSM) Program. The program follows the classic Duke formula for happiness: tests and interviews. Unlike traditional Marriage Pact tests, the BDSM Program involves open-ended questions analyzed by AI to better match you to the perfect non-exclusive, uncommunicative, not-committal partner. The test includes such fun questions like, “Why do you believe you, of all the people in the world, deserve to be at Duke?” and, “What will you do if you can never satiate your craving for approval from your parents?”
The BDSM Program also requires a 24-hour video of a day in your life, your astrology sign and a urine sample.
In the spirit of inclusivity, the program will also include an option for existing “happy” couples that are looking for a third, “you know, just to see what it’s like."
“We believe everyone at Duke deserves to match with someone they can click with, even those who stay in loveless relationships because they fear change and being alone,” said Bintches.
Students who take the assessment will be given a generated report complete with their match and a CAPS-Sponsored assessment on their biggest insecurities. The report will also include a step-by-step instruction guide on how to initiate contact with the match, and later, how to ghost them. Helpful tips include “message them once every few weeks with a ‘wyd tn?’ and then don’t respond.” To incentivize the participation of heterosexual men who are historically underrepresented in the “Pact” pools, the BDSM Program promises men who sign up two partners instead of one.
The program is one of many developments around campus to address the feeling of loneliness. Aang Player, a sophomore who is also working on the program, recently co-founded the incredibly successful Duke Polycule Club.
“The tides of relationships and sexuality are changing,” Player said. “We’re trying to meet that demand. In the Duke Polycule Club, anyone can try the non-monogamous lifestyle and at least they’re being honest about it.”
“I thought I was signing up for a study group for Chem 101,” said one student who wished to remain anonymous for fear of backlash from his current situationship. “But it's been great so far.”
Monday Monday is concerned that their beloved partner, Pincent Vice, may be cheating on them by reading other opinion columns. Please restrain yourself from sending any sexy or flirtatious messages to them during this sensitive time.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.