The Chronicle

Economics majors hold emergency council to address food point inflation

(09/19/22 4:00am)

Bellowing drums echo throughout the Duke Chapel, which is packed to the brim. I still can’t believe they rented out the marching band for this. Triumphant yet haunting fanfare resonates through the building, and a grim-faced procession of students walks out onto the stage. Suddenly, a booming voice cuts through the music with one word: “SILENCE.”

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2022/09/180922-mondaymonday-econ-major-council

Duke HRL introduces new TentEx program to address housing shortage

(09/05/22 4:07am)

In addition to placing DKU students on East Campus and creating new beds in existing dorms, Duke Housing and Residence Life will address the current housing shortage by implementing the new TentEx program, according to a statement released today by the HRL office.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2022/09/050922-duke-hrl-introduces-tentex-satire

The marketplace of ideas won: how Duke Yik Yak cured cancer

(02/28/22 5:26am)

Adam Smith once said “Talking is cool, because if you talk louder than someone else, you can’t hear them.” At least, that’s what I have in my notes.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2022/02/02282022-mondaymonday-marketplace-of-ideas-yikyak

Duke randomly selects one student to be burned, “as penance for the bench we lost”

(02/07/22 5:52am)

I know what you’re thinking.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2022/02/satire-bench-burning-monday-monday

Vincent Price breaks silence, grovels for forgiveness at top donor dinner: “We should’ve taken more”

(01/17/22 5:29am)

**Disclaimer: Duke was recently implicated in an anti-trust lawsuit, along with 14 top U.S. Universities and Notre Dame. For more info on the bust that you can trust, read The Chronicle’s coverage of the story. Because of the serious nature of these allegations, all names and pronouns have been neutered and spayed and theyed to preserve anonymity. In order to stay on daddy Duke’s good side, the dozens of freelance editors they had to hire to rein me in have left myriad notes throughout the article to prevent wrongthink. (Editor’s Note: Do NOT Google “How to Join a Union”).**

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2022/01/01172022-mondaymonday-vincent-price-breaks-silence-grovels-for-forgiveness-at-top-donor-dinner-we-shouldve-taken-more

Supreme Court rules that eviction moratorium extends to K-Ville residents

(11/15/21 8:33pm)

News of a landmark Supreme Court ruling that extended the CDC’s eviction moratorium to residents of Krzyzewskiville swept across campus Friday morning. The decision was a rare 9-0 agreement amongst a heavily divided court, and included a majority opinion from liberal Justice Sotomayor, whose writing focused on the fundamental human right to housing, and supporting opinion from conservative Justice Kavanaugh, whose writing was barred from being published.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2021/11/11152021-mondaymonday

Durham County unveils newest polling site: Shooters Saloon

(10/25/21 4:00am)

After a dismal 2.36% of Duke students voted in the 2021 municipal primary elections on October 5th, Durham County realized something had to be done about low youth turnout in elections. Their solution? Placing a polling site in Shooters Saloon.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2021/10/10252021-mondaymonday

Chronicle accidentally runs sappy senior columns early, apologizes for making people appreciate Duke in the moment

(09/20/21 4:34am)

By publishing the dozen op-eds months before their intended release, the student newspaper forced people to break from the long-cherished tradition of hating this university until seconds before graduation.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2021/09/09202021-mondaymonday

Duke, COVID agree to 1 year, 3-million-dollar extension

(09/06/21 4:00am)

For immediate release

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2021/09/duke-covid-agree-to-1-year-3-million-dollar-extension

I’m CJ Cruz. I’m Monday Monday

(04/19/21 4:00am)

I’m upstairs in my home speaking with the national suicide prevention hotline when my phone accidentally connects to a bluetooth speaker downstairs.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2021/04/im-cj-cruz-im-monday-monday

Duke basketball season ends after they all just kind of stop feeling like playing

(03/15/21 4:00am)

The Duke men’s basketball team’s season ended abruptly last Thursday after a player tested positive for COVID-19. Just when all hope seemed lost though, ESPN reported later that week that Duke could still play in this year’s NCAA tournament if things line up just right. Coach Mike Kryzewski released a statement regarding this incredible opportunity:

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2021/03/duke-basketball-season-ends-after-they-all-just-kind-of-stop-feeling-like-playing

Monday Monday’s rejected Me Too Monologue

(03/01/21 5:00am)

The following slam-poetry monologue, entitled “Normalize Camera-Off”, was submitted by Monday Monday to be performed in the Me Too Monologues showcase. It was rejected.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2021/03/monday-mondays-rejected-me-too-monologue

Wungus hosted the superspreader event

(02/22/21 5:00am)

At least 50 unmasked students were present at a Friday night gathering that violated Duke’s COVID-19 rules, as well as local and state coronavirus policies.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2021/02/wungus-hosted-the-superspreader-event-satire

First-year survey: Existential dread edition

(02/15/21 5:00am)

Editor's note: This story is not part of a series about the Class of 2024 based on a survey conducted by The Chronicle. You can read more about the methodology and limitations we didn’t use here, or see all of our survey coverage here.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2021/02/first-year-survey-existential-dread-edition

Forbidden love with a contact tracer

(01/25/21 5:00am)

Her lips on mine feel like a streak of reflection dancing across the curves of a vintage corvette.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2021/01/forbidden-love-with-a-contact-tracer-covid-satire-duke

Monday Monday unmasked

(11/16/20 5:00am)

Boy. Phew.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2020/11/monday-monday-unmasked

Vote

(11/02/20 5:00am)

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https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2020/11/vote-satire-monday-monday

Duke bans men

(10/19/20 4:00am)

President Price addresses the Duke community via Twitch livestream:

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2020/10/duke-bans-men-greek-life-ifc-panhel-gender-assault-satire

Cancel classes on Election Day, you cowards

(10/12/20 4:00am)

Duke announced on “Wednesday” that it will have a “no-meeting day” on Election Day.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2020/10/cancel-classes-on-election-day-you-cowards-satire-voting

CAPS is hiding our serotonin

(10/05/20 7:49am)

I’m your average Duke student: I am anxious and also depressed.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2020/10/caps-is-hiding-our-serotonin

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