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Duke, COVID agree to 1 year, 3-million-dollar extension

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For immediate release

Contact: Center D. Control

800/232-4636

DURHAM, NC. (September 5, 2021) – The following statement was released today by COVID, through his personal attorney and business manager Center D. Control, Chairman of Validated Independent Researchers Under Scrutiny (“VIRUS”) located in Durham, N.C., in response to questions about his future career plans:

“I’m back.”

–  19  –

After a long and tumultuous summer, it’s official: COVID (#19) is here to stay. 

While the relationship between the University and a microscopic half organism appeared to be irreparably destroyed back in June, both parties showed up and showed out this August to secure one more unprecedented year. Despite rumors that he would be out of shape and unable to keep up with the modern masked-and-vaxxed playing style of the league, COVID proved that he is still the best in the game after racking up 304 points in one week, the highest total in University history.

But the concerns surrounding an extension went both ways.

“When I came back to campus a couple weeks ago, I was really doubting whether or not Duke was the place for me,” COVID confessed in an exclusive interview with The Chronicle. “But after I saw all the parties and multiple carnivals the University was throwing in my honor, and the way the fans came together, like, really close together, it just warmed my spikes. I also fucking love Ashe. Kinda sad I didn’t get to meet her, but hey, maybe I’ll be back again next year.”

The terms of the agreement have been a source of consternation for students and faculty alike, but Duke has proven time and time again that it is willing to do whatever it takes to keep its media darlings happy. There were three main stipulations COVID insisted on in the final contract:

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  1. Expose the nose

A strange ask for the superstar with an even stranger affliction: nasophilia.

“Look, it’s not strange. It’s very normal. Millions, maybe billions, of people feel sexually compelled to place their entire body inside a nostril. I’m just a normal guy that likes to walk around campus and see some honkin snouts. Nothing weird about it. Show me what that schnoz do.”

  1. Reopen Shooters Saloon

Known for his affinity for parties and his crippling women-on-elevated-surfaces addiction, this is a surprise to nearly no one. His reasoning, though, may shock you:

“I don’t think we’re doing enough to support local businesses.”

  1. No Durham-Orange County Light Rail

“I think this one is pretty self explanatory.”

~~~

Against little to no odds, COVID is back and ready to snack in the 2021-22 season. To kick off a year that somehow none of the administration and all students expected, COVID asked that we close the article out with some words of inspiration:

“I know that I haven’t always been there for all of you. But this year? It’s gonna be different. I’m not just showing up for the boomers and ADPhi. I’m fighting for every single one of you. And if you put your trust in me, and I keep putting up these numbers, we’re gonna blow UNC out of the water.”

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