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Duke basketball season ends after they all just kind of stop feeling like playing

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The Duke men’s basketball team’s season ended abruptly last Thursday after a player tested positive for COVID-19. Just when all hope seemed lost though, ESPN reported later that week that Duke could still play in this year’s NCAA tournament if things line up just right. Coach Mike Kryzewski released a statement regarding this incredible opportunity:

“Pass.”

Once their dreams of victory were dashed, the players, coaches, and training staff of the men’s basketball team were collectively overwhelmed by an astonishing sense of relief. 

“Playing basketball is, like, really hard,” said player Michael Savarino. “It’s like...sheesh! Y’know?”

“They were like, ‘Your season’s done!’ and then we were like, ‘Oh. damn. That sucks.’ But then they were like ‘Wait! Your season might not be done!’ and we looked at each other and were like, ‘Nah, we’re good.’“

We also spoke with the anonymous player who tested positive for COVID:

“When I got COVID and got the team’s season canceled, I was sweating bullets because I was worrying that everyone would hate me. Also because I had COVID.”

But luckily for that player, COVID positivity was the best thing that could have possibly happened for the team. 

“Honestly, once we got those wellness days and the sun came out, none of us felt like playing anymore.”

It’s true. The team was reportedly found frolicking around in a field last Tuesday and Wednesday that is normally used for a fraternity rush event when there’s not a global pandemic.

Coincidentally, the field was still being used for a fraternity rush event even though there’s a global pandemic.

The cancellation of Duke’s season is particularly convenient for players who recently rushed and took bids from frats. Now these players can devote more time to these social endeavors. In future years, the players are considering taking a page from greek life’s book and splitting the basketball team from Duke itself and becoming the “Durham Blue Devils”. This change would allow the team to “do cool and badass stuff, and not have to deal with narcs,” as one player put it.

Other members of the team are taking to more innocent endeavors in the absence of balling. 

“We’ve been getting really into Settlers of Catan. I actually like it better than basketball.  I wish I had discovered it sooner. It could’ve really changed things.” 

Matthew Hurt was hurt by the initial cancellation of the season because he feared it could hurt his NBA draft chances, but he has quickly pivoted.

“It was a moment where I could really take a sober look at myself. I realized that I had gotten into basketball for the wrong reasons. I’m a psychology major, and that’s always come first for me. I really, really like psychology. So who needs the NBA when I can do... whatever people with psych majors do after they graduate?”

Once the opportunity to play again presented itself, everyone in and around the team was over the whole basketball thing. 

“It wasn’t nearly as fun to play when we didn’t have the roar of the Crazies filling up Cameron. It made me realize that I need to focus on more serious stuff. Like, carbon emissions are really bad. They’re bad, right? We should do something about that.”

“We’ll be better next year. We promise! We just really don’t feel like it this year. Can we just call this one a fluke? Please?”

“I miss Zion. This was more fun when we had Zion.”

Monday Monday painted the bridge. 

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