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Chronicle accidentally runs sappy senior columns early, apologizes for making people appreciate Duke in the moment

satire

By publishing the dozen op-eds months before their intended release, the student newspaper forced people to break from the long-cherished tradition of hating this university until seconds before graduation. 

Rather than retract the pieces, all of which detailed a disgusting respect for Duke in the face of leaving it, the Chronicle initially placed a bright red content warning over the offending articles: 

“MAY CAUSE UNWANTED SOBER REFLECTION”

This proved insufficient, as word quickly spread across campus and intense backlash forced The Chronicle to “go nuclear,” deleting the columns and burning every physical copy they could get their hands on. 

Alas, the damage was done. By 1 p.m., CAPS was overrun with students experiencing gratitude for the first time. Google searches for “Duke good?” peaked around 4:45. Flooded with submissions detailing student experiences of the incident and recovery, MeToo Monologues hosted an emergency open mic for survivors that evening.

“Liking Duke would mean having to figure out why I’m actually unhappy,” said junior Kay Killmenow in an interview with The Chronicle, “and that’s not something I’m willing to do.” Another student, senior Jay Jillmenow, said that he “doesn’t have any issue with appreciating Duke, I just have my emotions planned out in Calendly and it really threw the whole day off.”

“This is going to live in infamy. The villains behind this attack on our supple smooth brains must be brought to justice,” said a spokesperson for Duke American Grand Strategy before proposing an invasion of the newspaper offices to seize their “words of mass destruction.”

The Chronicle’s response came early Sunday morning and was particularly emotional for the oft staid news organization:

“An earlier version of this website incorrectly implied we had feelings. The Chronicle regrets the error.”

One source, who prefers to remain anonymous out of fear for their own safety, believes the outcry is overblown:

“I like it here. I’ve met a ton of amazing people, taken a lot of really interesting classes and made enough memories for a lifetime. Sure, Duke has its fair share of problems, but that’s part of the experience. Nothing is ever finished: the change we create here will open doors for the students that come after us and marks the beginning of the fight that is the rest of our lives. And I can’t wait to continue the fight with my fellow students at McKinsey next year.”

The alumni base largely shared this view, with one particularly enthused alum contributing to the conversation in a letter to the editor. “You bunch of absolutely fucking babies,” wrote Tum Biggothy, Trinity ’1898. “Back in my day, we used to have funerals for Duke every single night because we mourned losing even a single second on that blessed campus. We loved Duke harder and better than you guys ever could. God what I would give to be in college right now. Paying 100 bucks a year to learn? AND have a functional penis again?”

Biggothy also wanted us to tell you that Cameron used to be so much Crazier.

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This story is still developing and we will update you as we learn more. For now, I leave you with this: hate this place while you still can. College moves pretty fast – if you slow down and appreciate Duke once in a while, you might end up liking it. 

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