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Wungus hosted the superspreader event

satire

At least 50 unmasked students were present at a Friday night gathering that violated Duke’s COVID-19 rules, as well as local and state coronavirus policies.

The police suspect Wungus.

Over the past two years, the ambiguously fictional/satirical social group Wungus has been at the center of a vast web of conspiracies threatening to bring the Duke community to its knees. Consisting primarily of students who either participated in the pre-orientation program Project Arts or were rejected from a Greek or selective living organization, this rogue militia is as ruthless as it is celibate. 

Wungus has been implicated as a key player in the Duke-UNC-App-State drug ring, as well as alt-left anarchist communities in Carrboro and Chapel Hill. This Friday’s superspreader event seems to be their latest publicity stunt. The police reported that students who fled the scene shouted things like, “Rawr XD!” and, “Lmao I’m so random! Squirrel!”

This is just one in a string of moves by Wungus that display reckless abandon towards safety amid the pandemic. The group has actively been promoting events with the tagline,“NO MASKS!!!” in all caps with exclamation marks on their rush calendar. And they’re not just unsafe: they’re heartless.

Said one anonymous student: “Wungus needs to be canceled. They hazed me so bad. So many creepy and scarring parts of the pledge and rush process.”

I have inside sources that have confirmed that Wungus has paid off the Durham police. I guarantee you won’t see anyone else pinning the blame for this superspreader event on Wungus in any other article, from any other news outlet.  I doubt the Chronicle will even let me publish this. Wungus probably has people on the inside. I pray to God my anonymity holds – that my editors can ensure my safety.

Do you ever wonder why central campus really got demolished? Why Larry Moneta and Tallman Trask really resigned? It’s because they knew too much. It’s because they messed with the wrong cringe-lords. 

Wungus goes all the way to the top. It isn’t a coincidence that Duke’s newest and fanciest building is the Rubenstein Arts Center. It's an appeasement. A favor to the theater-kid cretins. To keep whatever dirt they have on the Rubensteins behind closed doors. 

They’ve got President Price in their pocket too. Just watch. He and the rest of Duke are winding up to pin the superspreader on one of the recently disassociated Frats. It’s simple. It’s in character. It makes sense. It’s not messy. But all the while, no one’s going to ask why all of the Frats disassociated. Why Duke isn’t allowing students to block together next year. Why this course of events is exactly what Wungus wanted to happen all along. Why Duke’s secret societies have become conspicuously quiet just as Wungus has begun to rise. 

I’ll let you connect the dots.

Put simply, Wungus is a menace to society and must be stopped at all costs. It’s completely unfunny and super disrespectful. It undermines the prestige of organizations that are actually putting in an extreme amount of care and thought into who will and won't get a bid. People in Wungus are the kind of people who would base their entire personalities off of Harry Potter in high school and then not know what to do once they found out JK Rowling was transphobic. It’s an unbearable cringe-fest and it’s not funny or satirical. It just shows that these try-hards feel like they need to pretend to be part of a social group in order to have any self-worth. They’re the most self-righteous losers on this campus. 

The most terrifying thing about Wungus is that there’s no way to predict what they’re going to do next; whether they’re going to go dormant for months on end or whether they’re going to institute a social media blitzkrieg that clogs everyone’s feeds with terribly designed profile pictures and memes from 2011. Their motives are just as enigmatic as their actions. 

This writer’s guess? They just want to watch the world burn.

Monday Monday may have to exit the country if this winds up getting published. 

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