The independent news organization of Duke University

Cancel classes on Election Day, you cowards

satire

Duke announced on “Wednesday” that it will have a “no-meeting day” on Election Day.

There will be no "meetings." Except for "classes." Which we must still “attend.” 

Duke also asked this week that selective organizations pause planning for spring recruitment until further notice. Expect an announcement this week exempting fraternities, sororities and selective living groups from this policy because they don’t count. 

In other news, Duke is closing West Union. The only restaurants in the dining hall that will still be able to serve food are Il Forno, Skillet, JB’s, Tandoor, Gyotaku, Ginger and Soy, Sprout, Farmstead, CaFe, Sazón, Au Bon Pon, Krafthouse and Commons. 

Also, for the next semester, buses will no longer be running between East and West Campus, except for the C1, which will continue running. 

If you’re frustrated about lack of transportation opportunities though, don’t fret! Study Away is totally still happening! The only programs that are being canceled are the ones run by Duke Global Education and also the other ones. You’ll still be able to study away anywhere you want, so long as you don’t want to study away domestically or internationally!

In the greater Durham area, the night club Shooters is remaining closed every day except for weekdays and weekends

Student performance groups, Duke just announced, are all allowed to hold auditions so long as they are not acapella groups or theater groups or comedy groups or dance groups or any other type of group that performs or puts on performances. 

Duke also announced that it will be defunding the Duke police except for the salaries of the officers and all of the money that is allocated towards the running of the Duke police. This accompanies Duke’s commitment to implement a new hate and bias policy by 2089.

These announcements bolster Duke’s firm, courageous and outspoken stance of taking whatever stance Stanford takes a week after Stanford takes a stance on the issue.

I’m so glad that Duke is having a “no-meeting day” on November 3rd. I’m so glad that I’ll have “no-meetings." I’m so glad that, like all of my fellow students whose bandwidths have been reduced to micrometers at every waking moment spent within this fiery hellscape, I’ll be able to “have time” to go out and vote “stress-free." And that that will “fix our country." And that the world will reopen because when a vaccine comes out, people will "take it." And that the job market will “exist” and that I will be able to get “employed” at a “job.” 

And when I’m asked not to google the exam questions that the tenured professor lifted verbatim from Quizlet, I’ll “comply with the Duke Community Standard.” I’m going to put on my resume that I failed “no classes” and that my GPA was “3.9” and that I attended “Yale." And when I’m an alum and Duke asks me to donate I “will.”

Because there are “no meetings”. Because I guess facts don’t matter anymore and the definitions of words are relative to whatever narrative you’re peddling. And that even a place like Duke isn’t insulated from the denial of objective truth parasitically burrowing itself into every crevice of discourse in this godforsaken wasteland. Hahaha a fly landed on his head. 

To the tune of “Lovefool” by The Cardigans: Monday, Monday / say that you Monday / Monday, Monday / Go on and Monday / Monday, Monday / Pretend that you Monday / I don’t care ‘bout anything but you ♫ 

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