News of a landmark Supreme Court ruling that extended the CDC’s eviction moratorium to residents of Krzyzewskiville swept across campus Friday morning. The decision was a rare 9-0 agreement amongst a heavily divided court, and included a majority opinion from liberal Justice Sotomayor, whose writing focused on the fundamental human right to housing, and supporting opinion from conservative Justice Kavanaugh, whose writing was barred from being published.
By late morning, the Line Monitors, the organization previously tasked with the over-policing of students en route to basketball games, continued to call “checks,” a feudalistic method of maintaining the hierarchy and status quo in K-Ville. In complete defiance of the law, they continued to bump people like the cops they are. Thankfully, the offending students were quickly apprehended and placed in shackles in Section 19 to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Despite fears of chaos in K-Ville and Cameron, the students have quickly created the world’s first true democracy and eviscerated the need for Line Monitors. Everyone who wants to go to games gets to go, and now comports themselves in a perfectly calm and orderly fashion in lieu of the outrage and uprisings caused by the all stick, no carrot policies of the former administration.
Just a barren wasteland of Keystone Light cans and Kroger brand sod 48 hours before, by Sunday morning, K-Ville was transformed. Enter K-Tropolis, a half acre home to hundreds of distinct enclaves where unique interests and communities abound.
The new plumbing initiative that brought thousands of eco-friendly toilets (bidet included) to K-Tropolis rendered porta-potties, previously an essential utility for residents, unnecessary. The city left the land they reside on as unincorporated, and declared the Chapel Hill Autonomous Zone, otherwise known as CHAZ, to serve as a constant reminder of the base conditions of squalor residents used to endure.
About halfway in, nestled between the Jordan Goldwire district and the Cairo Banchero crypt, is the Land of Zion. Followers of the basketball phenom Zion Williamson, Zionists have formed a pacifist, free-love commune that has gotten some flak recently for a completely unrelated nationalist movement. This misunderstanding has led some extremely confused pro-Palestinian protestors to set up camp next door, but tensions quickly dissolved over a few games of spikeball.
As you approach the center of K-tropolis, which is located not at the lawn’s geographic center but at the land’s holiest spot, the outlets behind the bushes, is the Stanley Zone. It is here that Stanley Borden (#52), the tallest basketball player the team could spare, serves as the presiding mediator over the democratic debates of the new society. This was a very involved job at the beginning, as the city rushed to introduce universal health care, decriminalize all drugs and declassify the Line Monitor documents that relate to the JFK assassination. Since then, the debate has largely dried up because, let’s be honest, the K-Ville residents created the perfect society on their own on the first try. Nonetheless, Borden can be found in the Stanley Zone throughout most of the day, chatting it up with crowds of adoring fans long past tip off.
Rumors of former Line Monitors collaborating with the CIA to incite a coup have largely been ignored, as there’s no history of revolutions this popular being derailed. The mood is jubilant, and as long as Duke keeps winning, this bustling egalitarian society shows no sign of stopping on its race to the top.