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Dear Ladies, It's a dark and stormy Friday night. You're standing on the Shooters bar wondering whether you're being approached by militant lesbians who were up in arms about your depiction of the...
Happy Hallowmas! For those of you who don’t know (viz., everyone except Cru members and the Chapel organist), today is the Solemnity of All Saints. As one might question the particulars of how Easter has come to entail bunnies and brightly colored eggs, you’re probably wondering about the relationship between a Christian day of solemnity and the act of donning a slutty Hermione Granger costume to get banged by a drunken Antoine Dodson. I know at first blush the connection seems tenuous at best, but there’s actually a fascinating history that, if properly interpreted, makes perfect sense! I’ll explain.
It’s a typical Duke scene: A 50-something in a black puffer with Burberry-checked cuffs makes her way down the Bryan Center plaza, acquainting the public with her recent rhytidectomy by firmly setting her Coach sunglasses above her face rather than on it. She briskly walks a few paces ahead of her daughter, partly because her sororsti-tote bag of a bygone age is decidedly smaller than the 40-pound fortnighter her daughter’s sorority has deemed it acceptably feminine to shoulder, and partly because she’s determined to prove that those quinquagenarian legs have “still got it.”
What up fam? Long time no see. I can only hope everyone’s recovering nicely from a heady Fall Break and a top-notch Tailgate (a combination of day drinking and plenty of Bromega-3 fratty acids should do the trick) and ready to recommence the yearlong frat party.
What a twist! Wasn’t it just a few years ago that every credible news source and Nancy Grace had the whole nation thinking that the Duke lacrosse team was full of rapists? Flash forward to 2010, and it turns out that not only did they not rape anybody—they were raped!
Do you know that one d—bag in every movie theater that turns to you and says, “This could never happen!” or, “How unrealistic!”? There’s also that guy who thinks that all movies are contrived and “nothing like that ever happens in real life.” Granted, these are hard claims to refute when you’re watching Angelina Jolie shoot the Russian president in the face with spider venom right before she disguises herself as a man in movies like “Salt” (somehow a prosthetic mask was able to hide her Lara Croft-sized tatters). But if you take a second to look around you at the crazy things that have happened in the real world, you’ll find that no movie, no matter how many gun-slinging leggy blondes it may have, is more unbelievable than the stuff that goes on right here in three dimensions. Here are three world events that prove real life is more insane than even M. Night “What-the-f—k-was-The-Happening” Shyamalan could conceive, in no particular order:
In light of a slow news week and in the spirit of education, I find it fitting to diverge from the realm of current events in order to present a history lesson—Gossip Bro style. What’s that? You wanted to read about some sort of “important” sporting event that happened on Saturday? What can I say about Alabama? We lost, according to some, but according to those of us who don’t come from a backwater public university whose endowment is less than that of my high school and whose most famous attendee dropped out to write some book about how to kill mockingbirds or something, Duke still came out on top.
9/11 was on all of our minds last week (and yes, Gossip Bro is aware of a few larger world issues beyond Tailgate and who wore whom with what this weekend). In observance of the tragedy, some held vigils, some attended services and some drank through eight seasons of Fox’s “24” in an unprecedented concatenation of 192 consecutive Jack Bauer Power Hours. In addition to all of these things (except the first two), I visited the Facebook page of the one Muslim person I knew in high school to see if she would have any interesting insight from a point of view we may not always get to hear.
It was the great frat star Benjamin Franklin who once said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” But much like the Constitution, antiquated sayings like this must be updated and amended and refreshed with the blood of patriots and all that, in order to befit our ever-changing times.
Oh hey, didn’t see ya there. Gossip Bro here, and it is my distinct pleasure to make your acquaintance. I’ll be occupying this column every Monday for the rest of the semester, telling you what’s what and who’s who from the comfort of my anonymity. I hope to see you around.
Warning: This column is not intended to be humorous. If you find that it is amusing or enjoyable in any way, I express my sincerest apologies. False. I am never sincere.
“The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.”
First of all, you’re welcome for last Monday night. You guys went to a few too many classes on Monday, so I let it get kinda close. Fortunately, a few bros threw down some brewskis on Randolph’s bench and tipped the scales in your favor.
I’m just a tad uncomfortable.
More than anything else in the world, I hate when people ask me to do them favors.
I’m not a big fan of heroics, but a great story really does tug at my heartstrings (the three of them I have left). I would tend not to condone driving under the influence, but how great of a story would it be to get a DUI between 8 a.m. and noon? Or what about getting a DUI while biking? I guess DUIs shouldn’t really be involved in your lifelong ambitions, but we all have our own hopes and dreams, right?
Tailgate is all mixed up. The pre-football party and Krzyzewskiville are highly debated topics on Duke’s campus, but the most crucial problems are the frequency and length of time both take up.
Walking down Main West a few weeks ago, I saw a sign that advertised Hepatitis B awareness, stating that one in every four people who contracted HBV would die. I thought to myself, “Holy smokes, we really do need to raise awareness for this. Seventy-five percent of people who get this disease become immortal! What a technological breakthrough!”
Traditional punishments accomplish nothing. If your kid smokes weed, he’ll smoke weed. You yelling at him will just alienate his affections. Unfortunately for him, he can’t use this as grounds for divorce.
Some of you probably got lucky last night. Most of you probably didn’t. A select few of you probably got tragically unlucky and went home with a Monet. You know how it is: From far away they look like a masterpiece, but the closer you get the more they look like an accident.
