What up fam? Long time no see. I can only hope everyone’s recovering nicely from a heady Fall Break and a top-notch Tailgate (a combination of day drinking and plenty of Bromega-3 fratty acids should do the trick) and ready to recommence the yearlong frat party.
Speaking of all things fraternal, there’s a lot of contention these days surrounding the questions of the “best frat” and which frats are “trending” up or down. Well, last week I decided to give the issue some thought, just for some semblance of personal closure, when something happened that made the proverbial wicket much more sticky.
Allow me to set the scene: It’s Friday afternoon, and I’m stumbling through the Bryan Center in a seemingly futile attempt to escape the Nonprofit and Government Career Fair (aka the Five-Figure Career Fair) before I get bedazzled with Obama pins and PETA stickers. I finally make my way out the door of that drunkenly architected excuse for a “handicap accessible” campus center and onto a plaza that’s spraying mist while it’s raining (again, I’m supposed to believe there’s a water crisis and an economic recession?), only to behold a sight even more bizarre than nonprofits trying to recruit intelligent students.
The plaza was thronged with people, “Work It” by the great Mrs. Elliot was blaring over loudspeakers that only a Tailgate could love and everywhere I looked there were rainbow flags, balloons and other flamboyant fallaleries festooning the once austere-looking walkway. As I hesitantly moved closer to the carousal, the only question that I needed to have answered was the same question that pops into my head whenever I see large groups of decent-looking men in a spectrum of pastels flirting with freshman boys.
“What frat is this?”
I must have asked it aloud, because one of the brothers approached me and answered cheerfully, “It’s Coming Out Day!” Still confused, I checked out his frat-gear, all of which was emblazoned with the letters LGBT. While I had never heard of the Lambda Gamma Beta Tau fraternity before (I think he mentioned something about it being the Gamma Alpha Upsilon chapter), I looked around and suddenly it hit me. The free drinks I was given, the phone numbers I received, the party invites... My God! Here I am on my high horse, calling myself a Gossip Bro, and meanwhile the loudest and proudest dirty rush event that frat-kind has ever witnessed is going on right under my nose! And I’ve never even heard of them!
I tried to keep my cool, and I was eventually able to escape without too much ado (except for one bro who kept insisting that I come to “Legends” that night, which I just assumed was some Nickelodeon-themed party they were having at their off-campus house). All in all the brothers were really nice, and just generally excited to have so many freshmen “coming out” to join their frat.
When I got home, I did some more research on the Lambda Gamma Beta Taus to sate my piqued interest and in general they seem like chill bros who like to get effed up. The pledging seems a little weird, from what some Internet searches yielded, but to me it seems like the only thing holding them back from escaping mid-tier fratdom is their branding. Their colors, their music, their costumes? It all seemed so strange to me, so I had to get to the bottom of it.
I scoured Google and Wikipedia for a reason—any reason—why the LGBTs chose a color scheme that’s just so... busy. I came up with nothing. I mean rainbows? From my experience with self-conscious freshmen concerned about projecting masculinity, I just can’t imagine too many rushees will see a rainbow and say, “Oh sick bro, I wanna join that frat.” And then there are those costumes they wear at their national conventions. Like, it’s not about your personal preferences or what goes on at your frat’s late nights—no one cares about that. It’s just that the general population would probably get weirded out at anybody wearing fairy wings and assless chaps on a float in the middle of New York City, no matter what frat he pays his dues to.
So here’s some advice: Make me your Rush Chair, go for a more badass color scheme (something like black and red, with some fratty medieval weapons crossed above an heraldic escutcheon), register for a spot at Tailgate and channel all the crazy costumes into dressing for said Tailgate. If that doesn’t increase the talent in the next LGBT pledge class, you can hit me up via Letter to the Editor and we’ll collab on a new game plan.
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