Traditional punishments accomplish nothing. If your kid smokes weed, he’ll smoke weed. You yelling at him will just alienate his affections. Unfortunately for him, he can’t use this as grounds for divorce.
So instead of lecturing him on some far off “adverse effects” on his future, you need to mix it up a bit and play pranks on him whenever he acts out of line. This way, he gets negatively affected by his “crime” in the here and now.
Here are my alternative “punishments” that will get the point across much better than traditional disciplinary measures. I’ve used these with my daughter Anabel, and she’s become a first-class citizen, just like her father.
Crime No. 1: Finding marijuana in son’s room.
Traditional, “Old Folks” method: Sit him down and tell him about how marijuana is a gateway drug and how smoking restricts lung functioning. Possible keywords include “laced with heroin,” “risky,” “high on life.”
The Joker’s recommendation: Sprinkle pepper in his dime bag so your kid learns firsthand what a smoker’s cough feels like. Leave a note somewhere in his room that reads, “Spice up your life!”
Crime No. 2: Stayed out past curfew.
Old Folks: Grounded for a week. Keywords: “for your benefit,” “good sleeping habits.”
The Joker: Take his car keys and bury them somewhere outside and make a scavenger hunt only Albert Einstein could solve. May or may not use Swahili instructions.
Crime No. 3: Find a condom in daughter’s room.
Old Folks: Lecture on the birds and the bees, with maybe some vague references to the “clap.” Keywords: “pregnant,” “boys only want one thing,” “true love,” “worth the wait.”
The Joker: Write “so cute” on the condom wrapper and put a Post-it on her mirror that reads, “We used the same kind the night you were conceived! …Whoops!”
Crime No. 4: Bad grades.
Old Folks: Affects the future lecture. Possible restricting of privileges, such as phone, car, TV. Key phrase: “You’ll thank us someday.”
The Joker: Purchase “Hooked on Phonics” and various easy-reader books such as “See Spot Run” and “Everybody Poops” with a note that reads “Here’s something more on your level.”
Crime No. 5: Find alcohol in kid’s room.
Old Folks: Surely you know how this one goes, my fellow fratstar Duke students.
The Joker: Dump out their alcohol and put Everclear in its place. It’ll teach them how delicious alcohol really is. Potential problem: Everclear is pretty good stuff; may lead to child becoming an alcoholic.
Crime No. 6: Dirty room.
Old Folks: No allowance and/or lecture about how maintaining good habits leads to success.
The Joker: Go into child’s room and dump all of their clothes on the floor. Make it look like the dog got into all of their stuff. Place onto bed water-logged snickers bar and/or spill Mountain Dew in a small circle on the carpet.
Crime No. 7: Breaking any miscellaneous rules not on this list.
Old Folks: The usual. Keywords: “respect,” “trust,” “it goes both ways.”
The Joker: When your kid’s boy/girlfriend comes over, do all kinds of horrifying things to them. For example, light a stink bomb under the couch they’re sitting on, pay your younger children to bother them, give them French kissing tips, discuss the lesser known sexual positions and be generally awkward. They’ll get the hint.
Note of caution: Those who use these punishments should be warned that their children may retaliate and it will most likely become a full-fledged prank war. If this happens, you are on your own, but I give you my best wishes. At least you’ll be having fun with your kid instead of sadly becoming your own grouchy parents. Anybody who doubts these methods, just think how much fun you would’ve had if your parents had done this to you. Especially with the Everclear. Talk about a good night.
The Joker was the laughter in the winding stream and in between.
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