Gal ate it

Tailgate is all mixed up. The pre-football party and Krzyzewskiville are highly debated topics on Duke’s campus, but the most crucial problems are the frequency and length of time both take up.

This is a clear embarrassment to our University’s administration. These beer-fueled gatherings are infinitely more popular than our academics. And we only allow Tailgate six times a year? What does this look like, the 1920s? I mean, what college prevents their students from getting drunk on a Saturday? And I thought my jokes were bad.

Here’s the situation. No, I’m not talking about Mike from Jersey Shore. Duke’s administration should wholeheartedly support Tailgate. You kids get up early on Saturday, dress in ridiculous and creative costumes, travel in droves to a faraway parking lot, get your drink on, perhaps accidentally attend some of the football game and then nap for the rest of the day. Ah yes, I see how this treacherous tradition is destroying Duke’s precious reputation.

So, let me get this straight. Students are going outside, drinking communally and socially, dancing to today’s hottest tunes, all in broad daylight with security personnel standing at attention. Not only is all this bacchanalia happening in the middle of the day, but the entire student population is invited to attend. You end up socializing with people you never would have interacted with outside of class. On top of all that, the intricacies of gas law and air flow are elucidated when viewed in light of shotgunning a beer. Outside of Tailgate, when would you and your chem TA find such meaningful conversation pieces? These scientific discussions find literary juxtaposition with more childish comments, “Dude, did you see that? That gal ate it: TAILGATE!”

This sweaty, beer-soaked, drunken euphoria is what college is all about. If you didn’t have Tailgate, kids would just down shots within the confines of their rooms. When the University attempts to shut down Tailgate, the only possible conclusion we can make is that your prestigious faculty and administration are opposed to community, safety and happiness.

Furthermore, Tailgate only happens on home football gamedays that aren’t during breaks. Some years, there may be only three or four Tailgates! To solve this absurd lack of revelry, we need to have Tailgate on Saturdays that don’t have football games, on occasional Mondays and at least every other Wednesday. Why should there be a limit to how often students from all walks of life can gather together and enjoy each other’s company? We really need to expand Tailgate to other sports, as well. That lacrosse tailgate had some potential.

Isn’t the basketball program looking for a way to make the student section rowdier and more creative? Anyone who’s been to personal checks knows that an egregious amount of alcohol is the answer. How much more annoying do people get when they’re convinced everyone cares about their opinions? Not to mention the number of “WOOOOOO”s that each plastered Crazie will feel compelled to shout.

Maybe Duke, in all its snobbery and self-righteousness, forgot what made it such a popular school: athletics. When Coach K came and started building up the basketball program, Duke started to attract the brightest and most fun students from across the country. If we give up Tailgate, and in turn abolish a large part of Duke’s social scene, Duke is going to have a less talented applicant pool to choose from. I have a dream, that one day, this administration will rise up, and allow students to exercise their God-given right to consume whatever they choose.