Unlucky impressionism

Some of you probably got lucky last night. Most of you probably didn’t. A select few of you probably got tragically unlucky and went home with a Monet. You know how it is: From far away they look like a masterpiece, but the closer you get the more they look like an accident.

Even if one of you guys came down with a Monet, look at the bright side: Her father can’t be nearly as intimidating as I am. Imagine the looks I get from my daughter Anabel’s boyfriends when they come to meet her parents. I tell them, “Now, our little family is small, but there’s a lot of potential for aggressive expansion.” Anabel usually gets pretty upset, and the boy is so shell-shocked he won’t look at her above the ankles. Maybe it’s unnecessarily cruel to use my international notoriety to keep a boy’s hands off my daughter, but I’m not gonna let some little boy wonder cuddle up close and try any monkey business with her.

Guys and girls are stereotypically different, especially when it comes to relationships. We all know that guys push the sex issue, while girls are normally content with cuddling and late-night chats. Guys think sex is a lot like sandpaper. If it’s not rough, it’s gonna take a whole lot more effort to get the job done, in addition to being generally less pleasurable. Furthermore, you should be able to get it for less than 50 cents if you know where to look.

Here’s another analogy: The dorms in Craven and Crowell quads are like a hot girl from UNC. They look beautiful and majestic on the outside, but once you get to know them better, you’re instantly turned off, immediately regret your decision, and venture off to find other, more pleasant acquaintances.

I wanted to discuss a little why there’s such a distinct difference in attitude between the genders toward the most fundamental of our desires. A lot of the difference is in the investment. A man doesn’t lose much when he impregnates a girl, unless Maury proves that he is indeed the father. On the other hand, many families still disown girls who get pregnant out of wedlock.

It’s all about winning and losing. When a guy scores, there’s no downside. You see, I only need about 30 minutes and some lotion before I can move on to my next playmate. You ladies risk nine months, possible death and ugly child syndrome. It now seems pretty clear why girls are so clingy.

And then, the hormones that men and women release after sex lead to totally different approaches to the post-sex scene. Men release a hormone that instills a desire to fall asleep, while women have a hormone that creates a longing for cuddling and feelings of closeness. Basically, men want to go to sleep, so they can be well rested for their next seed-spreading venture, but women want to form a deep emotional connection through cuddling and pillow talk, ’cause she wants this guy to stay around and help raise the kids.

The best way for a dude to spread his genes is by screwing anything that moves. This is also why men are a lot less picky as far as hooking up goes. If it walks and talks, it’s probably good enough. That’s why our closest living relatives, the chimps, often have sex with multiple partners within a few hours of each other. To help fuel this habit, they have outrageously large testicles.