I’m just a tad uncomfortable.
I think we’ve gotten too well acquainted with each other without you knowing much about me. I feel like that nameless guy who you met at a section party and can’t find on Facebook. Every time you pass each other on the quad, you really wanna say hey, but you just can’t muster up the courage. I think once you get to know me a little more, you’ll better understand a lot of my ideas.
Please allow me to introduce myself. I’m a man of simple taste. I enjoy dynamite and gunpowder and gasoline. And you know the thing that they have in common? They’re cheap. I don’t care too much for money, ’cause money can’t buy me hate. I believe Paul McCartney sang something to that effect back in 1964. My, how the times they aren’t a-changin’.
It really does get hard being as attractive as I am. I attract all kinds of amorous stares as I swagger down Towerview in my perfectly purple suit and gorgeous green hair, just back from getting swoll’ at Wilson. When you glance my way, it’s astoundingly obvious that the ladies are indeed attracted to confidence. I’m like a sensitive musician, a Jon Scheyer-Nolan Smith super-athlete and a frat-star all rolled into one: I’ve got something for everyone, no matter how elaborate or simple your taste.
I’ve got a wife and family, but you’d never know it based on my words, thoughts or actions. I named my daughter Anabel, which anagrams to “be…” annoying. I decided on this name because it is exclusively the way her mother was the nine months prior to her birth.
As you may have guessed, I’m a pretty protective father. Anabel has only been injured once, and that was back in 1980 while we were hiking up in Washington. After people saw how I took my revenge on Mount St. Helens for hurting my daughter and made it look like a volcanic eruption, nobody dared hurt Anabel again.
But I’m not just physically protective; I’m also a strong father figure who knows how boys act. Anabel’s chances of dating or mating are about as high as you having been as clairvoyant in filling out the first two rounds of your bracket as autistic 17-year-old Alex Hermann, and also being able to name every member of DSG in under three minutes. She knows as much about the birds and the bees as you know about your classes’ optional readings.
I’m a contrarian by nature, which naturally means I am often contrary to contrariness. I shower once a month (you’re welcome, RLHS), and sometimes even less (how else do you think I get this beautiful hair?). I haven’t slept since Richard Nixon died, and I still feel bad about dropping the ball at Watergate.
I refuse to get sick more than once a year, and bacteria and viruses gladly oblige. To acquire antibodies, I purposely drop food on the ground before I eat it, especially if it’s sticky or watery. Surprisingly, it improves the palatability of the food from the Great Hall. I abide by the five-week rule. It’s like the five-second rule, but elongated. I would just lick the ground, but then I’d start attracting the bad kind of stares. You know, the kind you give that creepy Durhamite at Shooters’ foam party.
I’m sure my kill count is no higher than 10,000, and I guarantee fewer than 10 percent have been Duke students. You look quite surprised…. Can you not say the same for yourself? Have you killed more than 10,000 people? …Oh, I see… was it the way I phrased it?
I’m not racist, sexist, ageist, bigoted or prejudiced in any way. I’m racist, sexist, ageist, bigoted and prejudiced in every way. I hate everyone equally. I’m intolerant of your tolerance. I get offended at you being offended. I enjoyed blowing up Gotham General Hospital. I steal from the poor and give to the rich. I have my cake and eat yours too. I decide who wins the national championship in basketball every year. I’m your most favorite nightmare. I am the Joker.
(And if you guys are good, I might just give your Blue Devils a leg up tonight. After all, I know hardly any bulldogs, but my devil friends are in the thousands.)
The Joker can’t help it if he’s just a fool, always having his heart set on you.
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