Three reasons why real life is more insane than any movie

Do you know that one d—bag in every movie theater that turns to you and says, “This could never happen!” or, “How unrealistic!”? There’s also that guy who thinks that all movies are contrived and “nothing like that ever happens in real life.” Granted, these are hard claims to refute when you’re watching Angelina Jolie shoot the Russian president in the face with spider venom right before she disguises herself as a man in movies like “Salt” (somehow a prosthetic mask was able to hide her Lara Croft-sized tatters). But if you take a second to look around you at the crazy things that have happened in the real world, you’ll find that no movie, no matter how many gun-slinging leggy blondes it may have, is more unbelievable than the stuff that goes on right here in three dimensions. Here are three world events that prove real life is more insane than even M. Night “What-the-f—k-was-The-Happening” Shyamalan could conceive, in no particular order:

The Waco, Texas Siege—1993

In the late 1980s, a totally crazy (and kind of fratty) child-touching, womanizing, religious zealot named David Koresh ascended to lead a nutty sect of Christians called the Branch Davidians. The former leader was a 62-year-old prophetess who Koresh was also banging (he was in his late 20s), and after her death a power struggle ensued between Koresh and her son, George Roden. To settle the rivalry, Roden dug up a corpse and challenged Koresh to a contest to resurrect the body. Luckily Koresh didn’t have to participate in the Macabre Games, because Roden murdered one of his friends with an axe blow to the head and was promptly sent to a mental institute. Koresh then assumed power and moved his followers to an 80-acre compound outside of Waco, Texas, where the Branch Davidians began stockpiling automatic weapons, touching more kids and raping each other until the government had to step in and shut down their frat party. Long story short, the FBI launched a 51-day siege of the compound that culminated in an assault of epic proportions. The FBI used tanks, tear gas, grenades, incendiaries and machine guns to completely level the compound after the uncooperative cultists yelled something about “sticking it to the Man.” Per usual, the Man had the last laugh when about 50 adult cultists and 25 children were massacred in the attack. Suddenly Angelina Jolie’s gender-bending spy antics seem unambitiously banal.

The Taman Shud Case—1948

On Dec. 1, 1948, an unidentified man wearing a suit with no labels was found dead in Adelaide, Australia. His dental records and fingerprints did not match any known person, and even after his picture was circulated in most major media, no one could identify him. Autopsies were inconclusive, there was no evidence of poison, and to this day the cause of death is unknown. As if this plot weren’t already thick, a secret pocket was discovered in the man’s pants, inside of which was a piece of paper with the words “Taman Shud” printed on it. The phrase is found on the last page of a poetry book called “The Rubaiyat” and translates roughly to “the end.” When this information was published, a man reported that he had found an extremely rare copy of “The Rubaiyat” stashed in the back of his unlocked car on the night of Nov. 30—the night before the mystery man died—and a part of the last page was torn out. Closer examination of the book found pencil markings with a code written out that the world’s most advanced cryptographers have never been able to decipher. I mean come on, the love child of Agatha Christie and Alfred Hitchcock couldn’t come up with this stuff if he were candy-flipping on LDOC.