Duke’s line monitors are under fire. Again.
The United Nations Human Rights Commission has opened a formal investigation into the line monitors’ conduct and organizational ethics. Citing articles one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29 and 30 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the Commission has accused the line monitors of violating international standard.
The line monitors are being investigated due to their “middle-of-the-night blaring sirens, stupid blue jackets and overall narc vibes,” United States U.N. representative B. Allbuster told The Chomicle.
Allbuster was first made aware of the conduct when his daughter showed him a TikTok account documenting the Duke men’s basketball season, including a day in the life of tenting.
“It was absurd,” he said. “That siren is so damn loud. If someone ran past my door with that thing three times a night, I would have them investigated for human rights violations. I wanted to kick those line lickers’ a***s.”
Duke administration has reiterated its commitment to the health and well-being of its students, but has expressed concern about the validity of the accusations.
“This is a bad look for prospective students,” an anonymous source in the office of President Vinny Cost told The Chomicle. “A Human Rights violation could really affect our U.S. News and World Report ranking.”
“Also, complaining is weak. Grow up.” It should be known that the anonymous source is an alum of the school eight miles down the road and is still salty the Tar Holes missed the NCAA tournament.
Now that a formal accusation has been filed, the U.N. Human Rights Commission’s investigation will take 10-13 years. Because bureaucracy.
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.
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