Duke to clear-cut Duke Forest, use paper for Climate Commitment ads

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As if students have not heard enough about the Duke Climate Commitment, the University is planning to unleash an innovative, environmentally-friendly method of advertising. 

The Duke Forest will be entirely clear-cut and the paper generated will advertise specific features of the Climate Commitment. The plan is to put a flyer on every single dorm building, room, classroom and inside every bathroom stall. 

“The benefits of performative activism certainly outweighs the minimal damages of destroying a century-old, 7,000 acre forest that is essential to learning at Duke,” said Ronnie Stealmoney, head of the Climate Commitment. “We want to ensure that every student knows that Duke is the only university who gives a damn about climate change even though single use food containers are piled high in all of our trash cans.”

Last fall, Duke rolled out a University 101 course as part of the Climate Commitment entitled “Let’s Talk About Climate Change,” in which students were persuaded to discuss these issues in regular conversation. 

However, since the conclusion of the class, no student has advertised the Duke Climate Commitment or even mentioned climate change. As a result, the University feels printing flyers is the last resort to explain the wonderful things Duke is doing. 

“We had run out of ideas to get this message across,” says Stealmoney. “But I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of this possibility … It’s a great idea that exemplifies the Duke difference!” 

When asked about Duke’s reluctance to divest from fossil fuels, the Commitment team wavered, citing “conflicts of interest” between the Board of Trustees and sustainable investing. In addition, they did not respond for comment when prompted to give one success of the Climate Commitment thus far. 

While students have mixed opinions about the latest measure, students part of the Duke Climate Coalition invited the Lorax to make a personal visit Sunday. He will fly on his private jet to meet with Duke President Vinny Cost.  

“I speak for the trees and I will defend this forest with my life!” he said. 

Unfortunately for him, it seems that this meeting will go to no avail, as the Climate Commitment has made its mind up about the measure.  

“At least we separate trash and recycling across campus!” the team said enthusiastically. 

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.


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