In what was described by Canned Pinto Beans, director of parking and transportation, as an “exciting and innovative public health measure,” Duke will now require all passengers on its buses to hold their breath for the entirety of the ride.
The move comes after the widespread unpopularity of the campus bus system’s continued mask mandates. Now, the solution is being promoted as an eco-friendly alternative to what was considered a wasteful and logistically challenging policy.
“We felt like it was really tough to enforce and wasted all those disposable masks,” Pinto said. “This is going to be much much more environmentally friendly so I guess we can make it a part of that Climate Commitment or whatever too.”
In response to concerns from the Students Suffering From Asthma Association, which suggested that the policy could prove damaging to the already-fragile lungs, Pinto said, “If they’re really so concerned about their lung health, they can go to the Wellness Center and try one of the complimentary oxygen immersion chambers. Alternatively, they can just practice breath-holding in one of the pools."
Pinto later clarified that the oxygen immersion chambers cost $300 a minute.
The bus drivers themselves have been exempted from this policy through a recent union win and will be provided with SCUBA-style oxygen tanks and the appropriate breathing apparati instead. Additionally, drivers will have the ability to strap anyone who loses consciousness to the bike rack, along with the authority to forcibly remove anyone caught breathing on board.
“We’re really excited about the new policy,” said bus driver C.U. Later. “We’ve been looking for another excuse to yell at some poor high school kid taking the bus to visit East Campus.”
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.
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