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Duke to replace Marketplace with one big-ass trough

The Chomicle

Editor's Note - All articles featured in The Chomicle are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Duke just shut down Marketplace, and now we know the real reason: they’re replacing it one huge, all-you-can-eat trough.

“Yeah, we just sort of dump all the food in it and let them chow down,” said Many Pieces of McPie, vice president for troughs.

The trough, which reportedly cost $43 million, will replace Marketplace, the East Campus dining hall home to well-loved campus eateries and also Stix and Steam. Duke made the decision after watching first-years—who now get unlimited dining swipes and thousands of dollars in food points—go to town on their fourth serving of the day. 

“All the little first-year piggies go oink, oink, oink,” said Duke Dining Director Bobby Cappuccino. 

The change also lets Duke make big moves on one of its main goals—making sure that students don’t have too much fun or make too many friends.

“Selective dining is bad,” said McPie. “I got tired of people eating at tables with only their friends, so now everyone’s eating at this one big trough.”

At the new East Campus Trough, instead of waiting in line for a “good morning” and a quick card swipe at the entrance, students crowd side by side and just absolutely go to town in the brand new, and really goddamn big, trough. 

“This is awesome,” said first-year Stuffin Myface, who goes by Stu. “I hated waiting in line for brunch on Sundays, and being able to just walk up and stick my face in the trough to grab a lettuce-sausage-hashbrown-crepe in one bite saves me valuable time.”

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back. 


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