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Homebound gay Duke students excited to act straight again

The Chomicle

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Upon initial news of the changes to Duke class structure, student responses were overwhelmingly distraught. 

With further restrictions on Duke housing, hoards of students became displaced and had their livelihoods upturned overnight. Large organizational efforts by students and community members replaced the responsibility of the University to provide the resources needed for students to continue taking classes. But among this cloud of disarray, came a silver lining.

The eviction of students from their housing units allowed an exciting opportunity for LGBTQ+ students, who were finally able to experience being straight again. As these disenfranchised students were told that they could no longer live in perhaps the one refuge from an unloving household, they were forced to change for the better. 

“I was kinda tired of being gay anyway,” junior Sean Mendez said. “People always expected me to be well-dressed and the life of the party. I’m looking forward to returning home, where I’m actively harassed for being fashionable or too lively.”

Gay men aren’t the only students rejoicing at this change of pace and return to traditional values. 

Leslie Bean, a sophomore studying mechanical engineering, looked forward to returning home. 

“I’m actually interested in the prospect of performing gender again,” Bean said. “I haven’t worn a dress in a few years, and I know my Dad will throw me to the curb if I try wearing pants to Easter. I guess it’s one of those 'growing pains' that President Vrice was talking about.”

Duke policies made this transition to compulsive heterosexuality even easier for LGBTQ+ students, as they locked them out of their rooms upon returning from spring break. Many queer students were unable to retrieve their crop tops and flannels, which would be dead giveaways in the painfully homophobic towns they came from.

First-year Denial Sprite reflected on the meaning of the wardrobe shift. 

“When I came back from a wild bender in the Bahamas, I was stunned to discover that I had to go directly home. My collection of cuffed jeans, dangly earrings and Fenty make-up palettes would have to wait," he said. "With my pre-approved home wardrobe, I’ll be looking like rough trade everyday.”

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back. 

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