Surprise! It's April Fools' Day, which can only mean one thing: The Chronicle's evil, satirical twin, The Chomicle. This is the best reporting we've done all year!
So, why don't you take some time from not paying attention to your Zoom class and check out this year's crop of Pulitzer-prize winning* stories. What else do you have to do? Prank your dog?
*Note: These stories have not won a Pulitzer prize... yet. The Chomicle does NOT regret the error.
“Students who are saying Monopoly money is useless are deluding themselves,” McMoney said. “Just wait till you get a hotel on Park Place, and boom, you’re set.”
“Oh yeah, the executive committee meetings are just beer pong,” Trustee Al Coholic said. “Wait, you guys hadn’t figured that out by now?”
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“We are thrilled to have achieved our revenue goal once again, fulfilling our mission of stripping broke college students of every last penny and shred of dignity."
The Duke Sententious Government Senate passed a resolution condemning the coronavirus at its weekly Zoom meeting.
Many queer students were unable to retrieve their crop tops and flannels, which would be dead giveaways in the painfully homophobic towns they came from.
At the end of the day, the HRL staffers shipped everyone’s stuff, fish were left for dead and some choice prescription medicines were taken from students’ rooms for administrators to enjoy.
“Yeah, it’s been really inspiring actually,” fraternity president Mitchell Bloomberg said. “We hope to really put different cultures into conversation by having one TV on the Mets game and another on the Yankees game."
To drive up lost sales after this disastrous Spring semester, Duke’s iconic Italian restaurant will be offering 50% off to anyone who orders in an Italian accent.
The best of the best, the most well-connected of the well-connected and the richest of the richest are already locks for the Duke Class of 2024. But we here at Waitlist Bubble Watch don't care about them.
North Carolina finally has a virtual win, which is the best they can hope for from this season’s team.
Duke Athletics made history this week, becoming the first collegiate program to recognize GamePigeon's Cup Pong as an official varsity sport.
After two hour-long meetings, the task force concluded that there were too many snot-nosed goobers with their heads stuffed in books around campus.
Just because players are on lockdown doesn’t mean they get a break from practice. “If classes can go online, then we can too,” Kringle said.
"We'd gotten comfortable in Fiji, but holy shit, I just wanted to see how people survived here,” "Survivor" host Jeff Probe told The Chomicle after seeing 300 Yearby.
Less than two years after the construction of the Rubberstein Arts Center was completed, Duke administrators have decided to call it quits.
Students will be encouraged to begin the playlist simultaneously at 5 p.m. on LDOC to foster a faint sense of cohesion and camaraderie among the student body, who will have lost contact with all their peers by that point.
By Jake Satisky, editor of The Chomicle
By Peaches, famous campus cat
By Sia Lamebrams, Class of 2020
By Rihim Smellamkonda, Class of 2021