QuadExes program to guarantee you are housed next door to your ex

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Duke’s latest and greatest move in transforming the undergraduate residential experience will involve housing you right next door to your ex.

The program, called QuadExes, is set to begin next fall. QuadExes director Ivy Wannabee believes that the new program is sure to guarantee disdain from students. 

Duke’s previous living and learning initiative that linked East Campus dorms to West Campus quads was not hated enough by students and had to be scrapped, according to Wannabee.

“QuadEx’s focus was fostering a culture of inclusivity. Instead, we must foster a culture of toxicity,” Wannabee said.

Students will be partitioned into different quads based on their breakup method: breaking up over the Brodhead Center speakers; writing a guest breakup opinion column; getting your friends to write a breakup message on their stomachs in Krzyzewskiville on gameday; a giant breakup banner hanging from the Chapel; eating a Cafe crepe only to find a paper breakup message inside, to name a few.

Housing and Residence Life can easily determine ex-couples based on past security footage, according to Wannabee.

“It’s especially easy to pick out ex-couples if they exhibited prominent PDA while they were dating, like making out in WU or lying on top of each other on the quad,” she said.

Students who have never broken up in their life will simply be randomly assigned to be the roommate of a broken-up student. Current couples will be housed as far away from each other as possible. But if they break up mid-semester, HRL will whip up some magic to make sure they are living next to each other the next day.

Although most students expressed displeasure at QuadExes, some students were thrilled by this change.

“I can prank my ex all day and night,” Alwaze Onntinder said. “I can send weird smells through the vent, AirDrop weird photos to them and set their clothes on fire. I’m going to have a great time next year.”

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.


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