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The Monday Monday Rundown: Inside rush 2020

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As an expert reporter for The Chronicle, I’ve been assigned to cover “rush.” So to capture the broad complexities of January at Duke, I’ve created a one-time only rush newsletter focusing on SLG, Pan-Hell and IFC rush. The newsletter contains a number of headlines and article snippets with everything that you need to know about Rush 2020. Treat it like your Facebook feed—scroll through the snippets quickly, accept them as fact and then talk about them in your public policy class as if you’re an expert.

Key Three Acceptance rate drops to 25% in most competitive year yet.
Kappa Kappa Gamma, Pi Beta Phi and Delta Delta Delta saw record numbers of applicants for the same number of spots this year, leading to the most competitive year for sorority rush in recent history. Their bid day lists showcase multiple members from the wealthiest 0.1%, daughters of ambassadors and famous comedians, girls with sophomore KA boyfriends and just enough women of color to avoid a conversation on discrimination. With this new attractive class, the seniors are looking more washed up than ever. Finally, we can say that this year’s pledge class is the best damn one.

Breaking: CAPS online appointment system crashes under intense load.
CAPS’ online appointment system crashed around 7 p.m. yesterday as hundreds of first-years attempted to schedule appointments with a psychologist. 

SLGs show off “chill vibes” with new policy.
This year, SLGs will require prospective members to learn the renegade dance before participating in the rush process. Rushees will be required to perform for a jury of their peers and face cuts if they fail the “vibe check.” When asked about the potential fallout regarding this policy change, one Brownstone member offered: “Sksksk—and I oop.”

Breaking: Five fire alarms go off in Keohane.
Five fire alarms went off in Keohane over the weekend as Maxwell House lit up in a desperate attempt to prove to rushees that they’re chiller than Cooper.

Duke Pan-Hell institutes rush uniform to show they’re woke too.
The Pan-Hell Board has been begging our Editor for this feature for like two weeks to show how woke the rush process is now, so make sure you give them a high-five when they walk by to assuage their white guilt. 

This year, both PNMs and sorority sisters were required to wear crimson robes and white bonnets. By standardizing outfits, Duke Pan-Hell hoped to eliminate the visibility of wealth inequality in groups that charge members $800 a year for four date functions and social clout.

Pan-Hell stands strong against adversity.
In response to negativity, Pan-Hell required all women participating in the process to sign a contract that forbidding them from writing “salty Chronicle columns on the rush process” if they don’t get into their sorority of choice. This was a strategic move. In the spring of 2019, recruitment numbers dropped because of bad publicity from articles like these.

Without this move, then next year’s Monday Monday would likely tragically satirize them and harpoon their recruitment numbers by like 90%. 

Breaking: Recruitment numbers drop by like 90%.
Sucks.

New report: you have to sneak these three water bottles full of Molly into Nikki Beach for a bid.
Often rush feels like a lot of pressure to do things you’re not comfortable with. This is one of those times. Do it and you’re cool.

Breaking News: Intensive cuts at fraternity rush leave 30 dead.
A mixture of drugs, alcohol and abuse resulted in an inevitable bloodbath of first-years. President Price sent an email to worried alumni consoling them with a promise that he was already taking action. In the email, he explained that he had spoken with U.S. News and World Reports to confirm that these fatalities wouldn’t affect our reported five-year graduation rate or national ranking. 

SLGs to require members to keep romantic relationships within the organization.
SLGs created a new restrictive relationship policy—to be enforced with the threat of hundreds of dollars worth of fines. I spoke with the former Cooper rush chair about this new development. They offered the following: “the decision you make in January of your first year determines your social calendar for the next three years, so why shouldn’t it determine your romances as well?”

Mirecourt Takes a Stand in the NC Bathroom Debate.
Mirecourt residents took a strong squat against transphobic North Carolina legislators on Saturday night by claiming West Campus benches as their bathroom.

Study: Prevalence of Greek Life is correlated with sexual assault incidences (study).
DSig pledges to solve this issue by rechartering as Hyde House.

Pan-Hell Bid Day becomes tragic nightmare.
The fallout from yesterday’s Pan-Hellenic Rush was brutal. APhi’s bid day reveal room featured the most horrifying scenes. Makeup ran down eight women’s cheeks as they screamed in anguish. They angrily waved their SEAFOOD, KArnival and Dazed wristbands in the air to prove that bid day had wronged them. 

IFC publishes new slogan: “Rush Greek Life because the entitlement your parents raised you with wasn’t enough.”

Pi Phi seniors could not be happier.
At bid day yesterday, the first-year women of Pi Phi loudly screamed with happiness. The seniors looked on and cried tears of joy—or rather, glared, because empathy is more foreign to them than low-income first generation students are to their sorority.

New research reveals alcohol abuse at U.S. universities correlated with number of students from Deerfield Academy.

First Greek Life mixers cancelled due to sunburn.
The recent spout of good weather resulted in lots and lots of painful sunburns, forcing the cancellation of all Greek social events on campus.

Breaking: Monday Monday put on blast for failing to roast NPHC and MGC rush.

Monday Monday is a valued member of the Chronicle staff and is not an independent—I swear. Like seriously, that would be so embarrassing. Monday Monday would also like to apologize to their girlfriend: babe, I’m sorry you didn’t get a Key Three bid… but this means it’s over.

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