He's Just Not That Into Valentine's Day

Come Friday, Warner Brothers’ Valentine’s Day will be subjected to intense vitriol as only the best rom-coms are. But even the snowmageddon-bound victims of D.C. will want to make it out to this one. A synopsis.

Let’s begin with Taylor Swift and on-screen lover/off-screen ex Taylor Lautner. Cast as the cheer capitain (not the girl in the bleachers), Swift falls madly in love with #13 jock Lautner who she later discovers to be moonlighting as Strech Armstrong/a Native American werewolf diametrically opposed to Swift’s next-door neighbor/supervillain Topher Grace.

Still ticked off about not winning a date with Tad Hamilton, we find Grace in love with Meryl Streep’s chain-smoking assistant who complains about Rachel getting married. He is two-timing Scarlett Johannson, who is in turn cheating on Bradley Cooper, who’s just not that into her because he’s into American Spirits (sorry, Jennifer Connelly) and dudes. That’s right, McSteamy and Renee Zellweger’s main man get dirty like Sodom.

And to clear up any confusion, the Julia Roberts thing in the trailer is just a cover-up to draw in homophobic Middle America. Roberts? She’s getting busy with who-else-but Richard Gere—but she won’t kiss on the first “date.” She wants to set a good example for her niece Emma (how did she get in here?), whose on-screen mom is the dirty-with-Schmidt Kathy Bates. Hector Elizondo is just glad he still has feet.

Meanwhile, Queen Latifah and her raging band of inmates (another Zellweger joke!) are all watching Elektra on repeat (it’s so meta! two parentheticals in one sentence!). Jessica Alba—or was that Biel?—is busy moping around Los Angeles while her blind boss Jamie Foxx keeps serenading her with a soulful version of “I Got a Woman.” Somewhere, Laverne’s better half shows up unexplainably alongside McDreamy.

And everyone’s favorite punk’d prankster turned master cougar hunter? He’s pining for that sleepless Baltimore native who has got mail and is BFFs with a pre-lesbian Rosie who’s got mail.