Little Bo Who?

Once upon a time there was a lamb. This lamb’s name was Mike. Ever since he was an even younger lamb, Mike had wanted to be a turtle. He envied the turtle’s freedom and ability to swim with grace, and its ability to retract its head whenever it felt danger. But Mike was a lamb, and this made him sad. To alleviate his sadness, Mike would often stand by the river and watch the turtles swim and think of himself swimming next to them. Once, he even got in the water with them, but his lambness scared them away.

One day, when Mike was drinking Mother Sheep’s milk, he saw a pretty girl sheep. Her name was Lucy, and Mike fell in love with Lucy at first sight. He had never felt such a magnetic attraction to anyone or anything else, not even to Mother Sheep’s milk dispensers.

Day in and day out, Mike would think about Lucy. He would hide behind bushes and watch her in the fields. Lucy was not an ordinary sheep; she would never follow the herd and would often ignore the shepherd. Mike admired that and wished to be like her. Whenever the sheep would do something, Lucy would do the opposite. She was an independent sheep; she had no regard for authority and liked to write poetry about important world issues. Mike loved that, and he began to change. He ignored Mother Sheep and began drinking water instead of Mother Sheep’s warm luscious milk. He told all of his lamb friends that he was in love with Lucy, and they all made fun of him, saying “She’s weird.”

One day, when Mike was grazing by the river and watching the turtles swimming, Lucy came up to him, strutting her hot sheep stuff. “Hi, Mike,” she crooned. OH MY GOODNESS! LUCY IS TALKING TO ME, Mike thought frantically. He began to blush, and Lucy told him that was cute. “Um… hi, sheep, I mean… Lucy,” Mike stuttered. “I think I’m in love with you.” Lucy told him that she knew all along, kissed Mike on his head and gave a loud BAA noise. Mike passed out from excitement.

When Mike woke up, Lucy was no where in sight. Mike began to look for her, assuming that she had left and was doing something important. But he couldn’t find her. He looked everywhere, behind every bush and tree, but she was no where to be found. Had she run away? Mike became very depressed and went back to the river to watch the turtles. How he longed to be a turtle. His yearning almost tore his heart apart. But then, he saw her, walking slowly out of the barn. She seemed different, skinnier. Oh, no, Mike thought. She’s Naked. Yes, Lucy had been shorn, and Mike was disgusted. How dare she? He was revolted by her and her nudity, her lack of warm fuzzy fur. She had lost her virginity to that farmer; she was going to be on some random person’s sweater! All respect and love Mike once had for Lucy was lost.

Mike felt the world had betrayed him. He thought that love was supposed to be deep, but the societal standards for beauty overtook that feeling. Lucy was ugly now, and Mike didn’t like ugly sheep. Lucy came up to Mike and tried to talk to him, but he jumped in the river and screamed “I am a turtle now, Lucy! You’re not a turtle like me!” Lucy started to cry and ran away, never to be seen again.

One night, the shepherd went up to Mike and picked him up, and brought him to the farmhouse. Then, all of a sudden, the farmer chopped Mike’s head off. Mike was put in a freezer and shipped to Louisiana, where he became the special at a Cajun restaurant. The other special was turtle soup. One nice-looking couple ordered the turtle soup and Mike’s leg. Mike was brought out to the table, but then the man decided that he wanted Jambalaya instead. Mike was taken to the back of the restaurant and put in the trash can. Later, he was taken to the dump, where the seagulls ate his meat. No one remembered him back at the farm.

Matt Dearborn is a Trinity sophomore. His column appears every other Tuesday.