In response to rising gas prices and an urge to screw over Duke Energy, Duke announced that all C1 buses are to be replaced with Cavemobiles, inspired by the vehicles from the hit television series “The Flintstones.”
“The industrial revolution and its consequences have been disastrous for our undergraduate community,” wrote the announcement delivered from Duke Parking and Transportation by carrier pigeon. “The integration of dino-fuel into the University’s transportation system will take a page from the past, in a move towards a green future.”
The program, dubbed FlintX, is a part of Duke’s newest effort to become carbon-neutral, although some question the authenticity of their efforts.
While the Flintmobiles were the brainchild of six Pratt students and 34 Red Bulls, the lizardsaurus engines are powered by the feet of tiny dinosaurs, similar to a hamster on a wheel. Scientists cloned the lizardsauruses from preserved dinosaur blood found in mosquitos, then genetically modified their intelligence in hopes that they wouldn’t unionize.
“This new system abolishes the need for a bus schedule,” read the announcement. “The arrival of the next bus now depends on the sheer desperation of the passenger.”
Despite hopes espoused by the University, the new program has garnered major backlash from bioethicists, who warn of the unforeseen consequences of genetic engineering. Duke Ener Geesucks, the chair and leading researcher of FlintX, had some choice words.
“It’s like they want to pay six dollars a gallon.”
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.
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