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The Chomicle 2022: The best f**king thing you'll ever read

The Chomicle

Surprise! It's April Fools' Day, which can only mean one thing: The Chronicle's evil, satirical twin, The Chomicle. This is the best reporting we've done all year! 

So, why don't you take some time from standing in line for tickets to stuff and Chegging your homework answers to check out this year's selection of not-at-all-award-winning* journalism?

*Note: My mom did hang an article I wrote on the fridge. Doesn't that count for something?

'News'

Duke tour guides to be paid in highly coveted Kinzcash starting April 32

“I love this,” current tour guide Bro Kass Stoodent said. “If I spend all my time giving tours, I can buy that one really expensive toilet for my Cheeky Monkey pet.”



Duke to source sushi at Gyotaku from Gardens koi pond due to increasing costs

If your sushi has given you the creeps over the last couple days, it’s because our garden’s favorite flappy friends are on your plate.

Selective living groups to receive on-campus housing in K-Ville tents

"We actually discussed renaming selective living groups to just ‘living groups’ but decided that would go against our current course of action: slowly killing these organizations,” said an administrator who wished to remain anonymous because they’re tired of transparency.


Graphic design is our passion.
Graphic design is our passion.


Administrators to give morning announcements on campus-wide PA system

Now, please rise for the pledge of allegiance to Coach K.

In unprecedented move, professor to move discussion forum to Yik Yak

“Intellectualism? It’s a s**tposting app, dude. Why do you think there are so many fart jokes?”

Class of 2022 to receive diplomas as NFTs

Each diploma can be customized with one of 1,750 unique images of anthropomorphic animals, all made in Microsoft Paint by a four-year-old.

Duke to replace C1 buses with car from The Flinstones in move towards carbon neutrality

While the Flintmobiles were the brainchild of six Pratt students and 34 Red Bulls, the lizardsaurus engines are powered by the feet of tiny dinosaurs, similar to a hamster on a wheel. 



Privacy be damned: Professor uses Life360 to track attendance in class

“It’s been really heartening to see all of my students’ frowning faces in class. Quantity over quality, yanno?”

'Sports'

Students burn down Chapel after benches removed from campus

They surrounded the heart of campus and made their attack from every direction, reducing the Chapel to charred rubble in around 30 minutes before heading back to whatever they were doing before. 

Researchers uncover Mayan text predicting 2022 Duke-UNC Final Four matchup

Busted ancient brackets notwithstanding, Blue Devil fans everywhere are taking solace in this sign from the ancient world. 



Duke students refuse to evacuate burning building, believing fire alarm to be tent check

“I could recognize the tent check siren from a mile away,” she said. “I actually enjoy it. It keeps me focused on the end goal—high-fiving AJ Griffin's sweaty hand after the game.”

'Recess'

New survey shows Duke students use LinkedIn as dating app more than Bumble and Hinge


"People on Bumble and Hinge are just so shallow," junior Eli Tist said while writing three paragraphs about an internship she landed.

'Opinion'

We don't wait in enough lines at Duke

I simply enjoy going through such a stressful, time-consuming process to gain access to an event that when I finally get to the event, I’m too tired and deflated to be there. 

Our thoughts on QuadEx

Because, you know, you're still dying to hear all these hot takes about it.


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