With nothing happening on campus, The Chronicle is getting absolutely desperate for content. In the spirit of all the celebrity quarantine interviews, The Chronicle wanted a piece on the quarantined lives of Duke admins and celebs. And so, as an expert reporter for the Chronicle, I was assigned to write this stupid ass puff piece for my last satirical article as Monday Monday.
From Dean Sue to Grayson Allen, find out what our favorite campus icons are doing below:
Dean Sue continues to live in GA, where she has hoarded every campus bench to “protect them” from the rowdy boys of the IFC, who she claims are bullheaded enough to both have small parties in their germ-ridden houses and come back to campus to burn the benches. She now uses each of the benches as exercise equipment as she prepares for the battle to come. She is the soldier we didn’t know we needed.
A shaggy, unshaven Larry Moneta spends his nights in quarantine staying up in the office of L&J consulting (his bedroom) desperately refreshing Duke Memes for Gothicc Teens. He hopes that someone will post something negative about Mary Pat McMahon to validate his scandals and insecurities.
Outside of looking cute for the Board of Trustees, President Price was spending his days in quarantine with his newly adopted pet, an anthropomorphic teenage mouse named Stuart. Price, at first disliked the mouse, but Stuart and Price eventually bonded over creating a sailboat together.
One fateful day, Tallman Trask came by masquerading as Stuart’s biological parent and kidnapped Stuart. Luckily, the Prices quickly realized that Trask is not a mouse, but rather a rat. With the help of their dogs, the Prices saved Stuart from Trask’s clutches.
Other than learning to deal with hate mail from LMo, Mary Pat McMahon is taking quarantine in stride. She is listening to student’s concerns and hosting mental help hours where she offers her shoulder to lean on. Digitally. From six feet away.
I don’t know what Gary Bennett is doing with his junior in high-school looking ass during quarantine, but he’d probably want me to wish you all well and make sure you were all practicing appropriate self-care or some bullshit like that. (Please practice appropriate self-care or some bullshit like that).
Big Mike misses everybody.
Incoming DSG President Tommy Hessel is using his time at home on creative projects to boost his public image. Right before midnight breakfast, Hessel sharpied in facial hair to give himself an older look.
Coach K is enjoying his days at home in Durham where he now coaches his physical house. If those walls could talk, they would say “Are you kidding me?”, “Get it together”, and “Shutup!!!” Coach K is also brainstorming new ways to send Carolina to hell. Still learning, Wendell Moore suggested giving them all coronavirus, but Coach K said that, unlike Carolina’s recruiting tactics, Duke basketball does not play dirty.
Joe Gonzalez spends his time during quarantine smoking weed and listening to Deepak Chopra’s meditation podcast. When his stash runs low, he returns to Mirecourt section and rifles through another room. He’s already smoked his way through the first and second floors.
Parking and Transportation Services Director Carl DePinto doesn’t have to worry about toilet paper. He just uses the money he’s raking in from all the DeFines that he’s still giving out. I recognize how terrible this joke is, but I would sooner start a quarantine food Instagram account than take it out of this article.
Tallman Trask can be found most hours of the day outside the Old Navy at Southpoint Mall. There, he ogles the Hawaiian shirt display cases thinking about all the new patterns he’s missed out on in quarantine. On his way home from the mall, Trask laments the fact that there are no parking attendants nearby to run over.
Grayson Allen was last seen lurking Duke’s campus two weeks ago, when he left a coded note to the police. He is still on the run. Allen claims to have killed 37 people and is on the hunt for more. If you have any information on his whereabouts please contact the San Francisco police at (415) 553-0123.
Monday Monday would like to thank the Duke admin for having relatively few scandals this year and is not at all bitter about not having had the chance to cover a scandal. Way to go, Duke admin! Still, Monday Monday was genuinely ecstatic to have gotten to write about President Price and his pet mouse.
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