Citing the institution's flagrant disregard for widely accepted facts, conventions or ethics, disgraced former national security advisor General Michael Flynn announced Friday he'd accepted a job as a professor of the practice at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
When asked what he would be the professor of the practice of, Flynn said, “I don't know? Does it really matter? I'm just trying to be available for when Vladdy P—I mean my daughter—tries to reach me via Chat Roulette.”
UNC System President, former Secretary of Education under President Bush and “totally legitimate educator” Margaret Spellings, supplemented General Flynn’s comments, adding that the system was “incredibly excited” to have them join the “new and improved” and “totally permissible” African and Afro-American Studies department.
That department came under fire and has been heavily scrutinized under investigation by the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) for accusations of malfeasance by professors who reportedly held fake classes for nearly 20 years. Many of these so called “paper classes” required just one paper be turned in at the end of the semester without ever meeting. These totally intellectually stimulating classes were overwhelmingly filled with athletes, including many football and basketball players, many of whom relied on the passing grades they received to stay NCAA eligible.
In December, the NCAA handed down the third amendment of sanctions against North Carolina’s flagship university, saying it was complicit in academic fraud and providing benefits to athletes. UNC, which is familiar with losing, has been working tirelessly since to rebuff its image, in the hopes of retaining the academic accreditation they are currently poised to be taken from them.
“Losing our accreditation as a legitimate academic institution would be bad enough,” one anonymous UNC student told Monday Monday on the Robertson Express bus to hell. “But now they’re threatening to take away some of Roy’s national championships? I mean, come on, with all these losses to Duke, can’t we catch a break?”
When asked if he felt like the NCAA sanctions on his school were fair, star forward Kennedy Meeks told Monday Monday, “No, I don’t think they’re fair at all. They keep handing us down these violations based on the idea that a degree from UNC is a ‘useful thing.’ I was only enrolled in paper classes as a freshman, but on the whole, pretty much all my classes—even the ones where I actually go—are a complete waste of time. I learn a lot more from the time I spend in the gym, learning from coach on the court, or in my sunroom reading upon my true passion—20th-century feminist literature.”
The UNC administration, led by Chancellor Carol Folt, are hopeful that bringing General Michael Flynn will help legitimize their efforts to rebrand and put the academic fraud violations behind them. According to reports, Flynn is feeling “over the moon.”
“I’m really excited about the potential I have here to shape the next generation of moderately intelligent Americans,” Flynn told Monday Monday in between his 3 p.m. and 3:05 p.m. calls with the Kremlin in the basement of the Franklin Street staple He’s Not Here. “I mean, ideally I could’ve taught at a place like the Naval Academy or the Citadel. I even would’ve settled for a place like the Wake Technical Community College. But none of them really wanted me, so I settled on UNC-Chapel Hill. At least Chapel Hill has a Trader Joe’s.”
When asked what courses he would be teaching, General Flynn, who has a long history of explicitly racist tendencies, told Monday Monday they would be a “wide range” of topics in his areas of expertise. Amongst them is AAAD 491 “Theorizing Race,” which according to Flynn “isn’t real—unless you’re Muslim.” Another course in development for Flynn is listed under AAAD 666 as “American Exceptionalism,” for which he plans on recounting the entire history of what he considers “America’s greatest period—from independence to 1865.”
General Flynn has reportedly already begun house hunting in the quaint town of Chapel Hill. He is reported to have told his realtor he’s looking for something “St. Basil’s Cathedral-esque” with “Byzantine influences” to make him feel at home, despite not being in Moscow where he is most at ease.
An anonymous UNC athlete who the school benefits an average of $2.2 million off of in revenue per year told Monday Monday he was “excited to see what’s to come with Professor Flynn.”
“I mean, as long as he isn’t a spitter and doesn’t threaten my perfect 2.17 GPA, how bad can the guy be? We should give him a chance to grade our papers super easily and then never make us come to class.”
When asked how they felt about their rival’s newest higher, the Duke faculty reported being “aghast.”
“I’m in utter shock and disgust,” said one anonymous, tenured political science faculty member who totally makes his introductory classes purchase the $200 book he co-authored. “I can’t believe they would hire a Republican.”
Monday Monday would like General Flynn to “cash me ousside, how bout dah.”
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