Student Moderator: Hello to everyone and thanks for coming to this, the second convening of Duke Tomorrow! After last week’s forum ended in frustration for many, we decided that we would try again this week with a different format. In the interest of clarity and brevity, today’s forum will be run like an episode of the long-running BBC game show, “Just A Minute.” For those of you unfamiliar, the goal in “Just A Minute” is to speak for a full minute on a topic “without hesitation, repetition or deviation”. If you break one of these three rules, another contestant can buzz in and take your topic. You get points for either finishing a minute or buzzing in when someone else breaks the rules. For today’s game, the administrator who finishes with the most points will win the right not to be on the panel next time we convene one of these forums. All right, fingers on buzzers. President Brodhead, you’re up first and your topic is: “Does Duke oppose its employees unionizing?” The minute starts now.
President Brodhead: Well you know, when trade unions first developed back in 18th century England, they were opposing some abhorrent conditions: workers were often put in dangerous situations and paid little, with no real means of redress or improvement. Sidney and Beatrice Webb’s “History of Trade Unionism” for example relates tales of workers being made to-
Dean Ashby: He’s deviating from the topic!
Moderator: Dean Ashby is correct, I’m afraid! Ashby gets a point and continues with the topic. Forty seconds left.
Ashby: Well let me just start off by saying thank you and that I really appreciate the structure for answering that you’ve given us here. I can see everything you’re trying to say, and I want to stress that I’m right there with you. Of course, all the things we’re talking about here will have to be considered in detail first, but, um-
Provost Kornbluth: Hesitation!
Moderator: You’re right! Kornbluth gets a point and continues, 23 seconds remaining. And, erm, please remember that the topic is “Does Duke oppose its employees unionizing?”
Kornbluth: So let me begin by making clear that this conversation is really important and we’re all ears to your concerns. But of course, each of the things you want will need to be considered in detail and will take different lengths of time to act on-
Brodhead: Repetition! She’s just saying what Ashby said already!
Moderator: Correct challenge! Point Brodhead, just 11 seconds left on the clock.
Brodhead: I was visiting Costa Rica, a country that has unions, the other year. It was a fascinating visit, and I learnt a great deal about what it means to-
Moderator: TIME! Brodhead gets another point, in spite of not actually answering the question. Since you’re all still failing to directly answer our questions, we’re going to swap to a quick-fire round for the last stage of the game. All you have to do is answer “yes” or “no” without hesitation, repetition or deviation, and you’ll get a point. Alright, fingers on buzzers. Kornbluth, you start and the question is: “Does Duke have a historic problem with racism?”
Kornbluth: Racism is bad and Duke exists and they have certainly existed nearby and probably even within one another.
Moderator: Erm, that was neither a yes nor a no so I’m afraid I can’t give you the point. Dean Ashby, you’re next. Same question, and again, please just a yes or no answer: “Does Duke have a historic problem with racism?”
Ashby: So I have heard what you guys say and I feel you. When you tell me that’s your experience, that’s your experience.
Moderator: …okay so that sounds like an answer in the affirmative but again since you didn’t actually just say “yes” unfortunately you lose the point too. President Brodhead—and I would like to stress again that to score you MUST say either “yes” or “no”—does Duke have a historic problem with racism?
Brodhead: I was visiting the local aviary-
Moderator: No! Stop! Just a yes or no answer! This isn’t even a complicated question! All right, no points this round. God! Can you even say yes or no? How about this? Real easy, just please, give us a yes or no answer to prove it’s possible: “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
Brodhead: My powers as president are more limited than most people appreciate and no one on this stage has the ability to push through major institutional reform. The power to do so lies in the opaque Board of Trustees, the prejudices and preferences of which are in turn a reflection of the Byzantine intersection of society and culture in which we live. I am Duke’s foremost politician and my job is to work with the power above and the demands below me in order to create a functional university, and I will never be able to fully appease your wishes no matter how much I try. So in short, I don’t know because all memory of my family was wiped from my brain after a horrifying administrating accident.
Moderator: Oh. Um, wow. That was a lot. What even is an administrating accident? But, er, thank you, I guess. It was still deviation so I can’t give you the point but you won anyway. Congratulations.
Brodhead: So now we’re done, may I ask you a question?
Moderator: No.
Monday Monday had originally planned this as a festive column in which a giant vengeful roast turkey rampages through Duke, killing everyone.
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