Blue Devil Nation,
We have a pandemic upon us. Hyper-sensitivity is rampant across campus and it is really harshing my mellow. To all the contestants of HackDuke, I should probably clarify that when I say hyper-sensitivity I’m referring to people being easily offended, not being premature in bed. Every time anyone says any sort of comment that may “oppress” a certain group, I am immediately given a correction of what I should or shouldn’t say. It’s ridiculous! Allow me to expand on this with an anecdote. Think about the glorious weather we have had recently. And with good weather comes copious amounts of frisbees, sunglasses, and shirtless DSig bros. But it also comes with bikini clad girls littering the campus. Now you think this would be nothing more than the good lord bestowing eye candy for men to enjoy, but the second I said, “I’d hit that,” to my fellow man, I was met with shame –black people read as shade. Out of nowhere, my so-called friend went on a diatribe about women’s body issues and how the objectification of women creates an unattainable ideal of beauty that hinders every girl growing up.
I then proceeded to call him gay and leave the room. The problem is, you can’t call everyone gay and you can’t leave all of the rooms. So what can we do? Well, I decided to do some research on this issue specifically and, based on my findings, we may be able to find a cure.
Under the chatroom alias whoisdillonfrancis69, I infiltrated discussions on the women objects and found that the biggest hot button issue was this big Barbie doll controversy. People said that the Barbie dolls that we all know and love have over the years been projecting unrealistic ideals of beauty and perfection, with someone going so far as to say that this “made every day a struggle” and “caused serious body image problems that tormented them throughout life.” So, after I called the seacows a whambulance, I came to the pretty clear conclusion that all of this was just a bunch of whining over nothing. Let’s be real, women have it pretty easy. All they have to do is look pretty. I mean, things get tough for them if they try to expand into the sciences, but sciences are tough classes that men have to do to better the world. But I digress, because the point is that women don’t have to worry about that because they have to worry about one thing. Looking like Barbie. And even if that was impossible, the next easy route is to just grow thicker skin. One of the girls was saying that “every day putting on my mascara feels like putting on chains. I am bound by the world around me to fit an ideal. I am terrified to miss a day without makeup, worried that everyone will ask me if I’m tired or sick.”
Pathetic, right? And don’t even try to add race to the issue. Black women are constantly writing on these blogs and always inconsistently. One day they are writing about how they are never seen as the ideal of beauty and other days about how they are hyper-sexualized toys for the white man. Am I supposed to believe that it’s that tough to be a woman of color?
Oh! And I almost forgot about the way that liberals get all uppity about using words like gay, fag or pussy. Come on, leftists. I’m just using terms I was raised with. I’m not making some attack at you or trying to show that certain groups are less than others. I’m just saying that if you aren’t willing to be a real man, then you’re being either a fag or a woman. And that’s not bad, just different.
So where do we go from here? How do we cure sensitivity to the presentation of these groups in society? Well it’s pretty obvious. Find a new group to persecute. We need to start making straight men the insulted because we’re just stronger. Unlike gays, women, or gay women, we can handle the slurs. So when you see a man not acknowledging his feelings, say “that’s so hetero.” When someone responds to ‘how was your day’ with a cold, generic “Good,” call them a nutsack. We’ll also need a new line of Ken dolls with extremely large penises to make men insecure. And I’m talking really long. If they don’t look like tripods, then it’s too short.
Every society needs a persecuted group and we really thought women and the LGB-whatevers could handle it. Way to let the whole team down over a little emotional scarring. Am I Right, or am I right?
Right Wing wanted to go to Penn Pavilion on Friday night. The Lavender ball was in there...he’s still scarred.
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