Now that October and the accompanying madness of dressing as sexy nurses, sexy school girls, sexy doctors and sexy sluts has finally passed, it’s time for my favorite holiday of the year: No Shave November. Unlike other weak-sauce holidays such as Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter that foster togetherness and forgiveness, No Shave November is a month long holiday for men—and only true, manly men. Any man who has ever shopped at Bed Bath and Beyond, owned a dog weighing less than 10 pounds or watched the entirety of “The Notebook” without getting action need not apply.
No Shave November is a time for men all over America and the world to reconnect with their inner homeless person. It is a time for each man to seriously look at himself in the mirror and say “I’m a man. I pee standing up. It is my God-given duty to grow a Garden of Eden upon my face—complete with at least six forms of wildlife.” Leviticus 19:27 states "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard." Surely we should live our lives exactly as the Bible says—limited only to the month of November, of course. Then, in December, it’s time to follow Genesis 38:9, which states: “But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother’s wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. And what he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and he put him to death also.” No Shave November, then Pull Out and Die December. The way God intended it.
Let us not forget the powers of beards. Moses, with his mighty beard, single-handedly brought peace and prosperity to the Hebrews while defeating the entire (clean-shaven) Egyptian army. Some of the greatest men throughout history have sported beards. Abraham Lincoln, born four score and seven beards ago, managed to free the slaves and win the Civil War by his beardly might. Charles Darwin, who first proposed survival of the thickest (beard), shook science to its follicles with his daring claims. Chuck Norris, who managed to hide a third fist under his beard, won the hearts and chins of men and women worldwide. Karl Marx, champion of the blue collar working man, upended Europe’s social hierarchy by penning the Communist Manifesto with a quill composed of his own man scruff. Even Santa Claus, whose voluptuous white mane, along with the presents he provides, brings joy to children worldwide by traveling over 3.219 x10^14 beardseconds per second. That’s 1000 miles per hour for the Trinity folk. (Note: one beardsecond = five nm, the SI unit for average length of facial hair grown in one second.)
Furthermore, beards are a unifying factor of humanity. Straight men of almost all races (sorry Asians) can unite in the common act of growing facial hair. In addition to reminding us all of our common connection and superiority as men, No Shave November includes other benefits such as trimming down razor expenditures, cutting money spent on dates and shaving off the price of buying condoms. For the exceptional few that actually can get some action this month whilst sporting their face carpet, remember to practice safe sex. Keep yourself and your beard safe by using Duke Medicine-approved dental dams, the only surefire way to keep a clean shave from STDs.
But unfortunately, not everyone is a fan of No Shave November. This ill-fated dichotomy within our population splits us between those who wish to unleash the true potential of their jaw lines and smooth-skinned, baby-faced naysayers. Yes, glabrate pussy-willows and women are two unfortunate hindrances to the glorious spectacle that is No Shave November. In reality, women despise No Shave November because it is the one time of year when, we, men care more about our beards than their boobs. Practically, beards offer many perks that perky boobs do not. A manly man’s lion mane offers, but is not limited to:
- Extra face warmth
- Storing food for the winter
- Scaring away girls who would probably suck anyway
- Saving money on razors
- Shelter for feathered friends
- Fighting crime
For those of you possessing the necessary Y chromosome (or, for females, the necessary African or Middle Eastern genetic background) but lacking the testosterone or sheer grit to grow a beard on your own this November, here are “Just the Tips” for beard growing. (Just the tips, just for a month, just to see how it feels.)
- Don’t Shave
- Chop down a tree
- Toss a dwarf five meters, or 1,000,000,000 beardseconds
- Marinate your chin in whiskey
- Wear steel-toe boots
- Build a log cabin
- If it’s even possible at Duke these days, find a sexy lady and seduce her with your musk of rich mahogany and virility
And if, despite your best efforts, your beard looks like it belongs on a prepubescent Indian woman, never fear. As excellently put in “Dexter’s Laboratory,” it’s not the beard on the outside that counts, but the beard on the inside. So whether you can grow a great-white Dumbledore floor sweeper or just some peach fuzz, remember that your beard is proof of your independence and chutzpah. So go forth, grow some face moss and be the man you’ve always wanted to be.
Let’s get beard this November. Shave the date.
Mean Boy proudly rocks a pair of vicious muttonchops that keep away both pansies and girls who would try to make him shave them.Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
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