With a stellar football season and this weekend’s Wake Forest comeback win, it’s finally official. Duke is now kind of big deal. With the new additions of Jahlil Okafor, Tyus Jones and Justise Winslow to our team already boasting Rasheed Sulaimon, Rodney Hood and Jabari Parker, it is evident that Duke is well on its way to becoming a school centered around football. As Duke leaped from being worst in ACC football to having a winning record, one thing is clear: Duke football can now do more point-worthy things than the other team, most of the time. As a result, more students are coming to games, and Wallace Wade finally has more Duke fans than the away team. With all these changes happening, what does this new football culture bring for Duke?
Not everyone is so hyped about Duke’s new growing identity. While increased football attention brings in more revenue and more national attention, some are concerned about the implications of Duke becoming a football school. Some argue that too much emphasis on sports will detract from the academic environment. They believe that students will come to Duke based on its sports identity and ruin the intellectually driven climate that they are trying to create. It’s a good thing Duke hasn’t been particularly good at any sports in the past decade. Otherwise our University would already have plummeted academically.
In light of concerns about Duke’s academic culture, I ask you one question. What did Duke students cheer at Wallace Wade after winning? That’s right, “We want ‘Bama.” If a school such as Duke, top tier in both basketball and academics, cheers for Alabama, what does that say about the importance of football? It shows that nobody nowadays respects academics or being good at lame sports such as lacrosse and basketball.
I say bring on the football! Duke finally has a chance to become the SEC football powerhouse we have always wanted it to be. In order for us to properly embrace our new role as a big time Southern football school, we must first make a few key changes.
1. Bring back Tailgate: twice the rage, no porta-potties
Football schools tailgate. No discussion. SEC schools won’t take us seriously unless we bring back Duke’s greatest tradition in a big way. I’m talking beer kegs, cornhole, tents, scantily clad women, abusive alcohol consumption, absurd costumes and grilling. We can bring back the music, the pickup trucks and the shenanigans. Tailgate 2.0 will feature all of the greatest aspects of the old Tailgate, except now students might actually attend the game for which they were tailgating. As a failsafe measure to ensure Tailgate doesn’t get banned again, no porta-potties will be allowed in the Tailgate vicinity. The change will ensure a safe student environment and completely eliminate the danger of anyone passing out in porta-potties and getting Tailgate cancelled, again.
2. New greek recruitment
You can’t have Southern football without greek life. In honor of the spirit of Duke’s recent football victories, this upcoming greek formal recruitment should be conducted NFL Draft style. As new rushees register, they will enter an official greek combine to assess their house potential. The combine will be a daylong gamut of trials to estimate a candidate’s success in later greek life. Male trials will include events such as “How much can you pretend to lift,” the beer mile and a beer pong accuracy round. The female combine will focus on the 50-yard intoxicated high-heel sprint, twerking ability and the 40-yard social climb.
An unbiased committee will rank the rushees based on the results of the combine and their alleged wealth. The only difference will be that greek organizations will pick their pledges based on social rank on campus with the highest ranked organizations getting first picks and the lowest choosing last. This foolproof method will objectively show kids how much they suck and ensure that only candidates who are “like, dude, a TFM bro,” get social capital. The new formal recruitment will ensure that the top ranked houses get the best candidates and the lower houses fade into oblivion, thus raising the overall status of campus greek life. Let us wave good-bye to the wannabees and welcome in our new wave of Southern frat stars and sorority queens.
3. Put some South in your mouth—Let’s Get Southern
If we truly want to be a Southern football school, we have to be more Southern. Duke already has a great start on this goal, seeing as our campus was proudly built off tobacco money and the broken backs of slaves. Combine that with Duke’s large endowment and the abundance of sweet tea available at the Washington Duke Inn, and our school is screaming Southern Proper. We can improve our campus dining options by incorporating Southern dining options on campus such as Bojangles and Waffle House. Southern Duke will have it all: the girls, the football and the glory.
People were right about football affecting the kind of student Duke admits, but not for the worse. Rather, our campus could be filled with Southern belles and gentlemen instead of the typical, nerdy basketball lovers we have now. Becoming a big time football program will be positive for Duke because it will bring us to the SEC status we have always dreamed of. The tailgates will be bigger, the greek life better and the campus more Southern. To all of the Yankees concerned about the academic culture, I say drop the books, surrender to the South and let’s throw some pig skin to win the ACC Championship. Roll Devils.
Mean Boy openly welcomes the reintegration of tailgate, as well as the team building and student camaraderie that comes with it.
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