Nothing feels better than excluding people. After all, they’re not you. Why should they get to join in? I personally know how good it feels to sit at the cool kids’ table in elementary school. No one could sit with you unless they were on your level, or they had a cool mom who packed them extra Lunchables. But it seems the concept of exclusivity is running rampant lately with everyone trying to make their own select groups.
Exclusion is no new trend for Dukebags and Dukestitutes. When you combine a plethora of kids who have always been the best of their high schools into one area, they need some way to make themselves feel better. Rather than thrive on the fact that they now attend a diverse institution full of students with different talents, experiences and world views, Dukies find it easier to once again make themselves big fishes in small ponds. Except this time, since everyone is a big fish, the only way to make yourself important is to make the pond even smaller. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Duke, the douchiest aquarium in the free world.
Besides the already established dominant groups of athletes, greeks and Asians who know they are smarter than you, new group identities and affiliations are springing up all over Duke.
Since membership everywhere is now becoming a necessity, here are a couple new memberships springing up in the area that offer exclusive benefits to only the best of the best.
1. Shooters “High Rollers” Club
Any old scrub can buy himself a $1 Shooters membership. While this prestigious position boasts privileges such as allowing one to enter the same old dingy bar and pay the old entrance fee, at the end of the day you are still one of many plebes subjected to actually going inside. There’s no exclusivity, no special benefits and you still suffer the same herpes-ridden debauchery that plagues the dance floor.
Why not take your Shooters experience to the next level? With the new Shooters High Rollers Club, you can set yourself apart from the rest of the unwashed masses and gain exclusive VIP access. Benefits include automatic cutting to the front of the cage line, 50 percent more neglect from bouncers judging your fake ID and a pack of moist towelettes upon entrance to keep yourself healthy and germ-free once inside. The only drawbacks of this elite membership are the $1000 executive fee, the expected brand loyalty and the accompanying shame of being a Shooters High Roller. Make every Wednesday and Saturday a journey by joining the Shooters High Rollers Club.
2. LGBTQ Fab-Life Experience
So you’re out. But are you in? Come out of the closet and into the high life with the new LGBTQ Fab-Life Experience. No longer will you be forced to wallow on the same level as all the other alternative lifestyle wannabees. For a small annual payment, you can move up socially and politically in the LGBTQ world and upgrade to a new class of alternative highbrow living, the premium Fab-Life Experience. Perks include, but are not limited to, increased Grindr matches and an exclusive pocket gaydar that automatically highlights potential partners and A-gays, thereby completely eliminating awkward situations and reducing the time you spend flirting with on-the-fence heteros. Keep the bromosexuals and nancy boys at bay with the Fab-Life Experience.
3. Duke UnCommon Ground
Are you an inclusive person? Separate yourself and show that you are an elite inclusionist and join Common Ground today, where the students are uncommonly tolerant. Actively work on campus to bring different races and cultures of students together while simultaneously accomplishing nothing at all. Show that you accept others, more than anyone has ever accepted anyone ever, and that you are a better person than your peers because of it.
As a self-purported inclusive and accepting group that actually requires applications, Common Ground truly thrives on the leading cusp of selectivity. They take their inclusivity so aggressively that they physically leave campus in order to learn more about inclusiveness at Duke. Membership to Duke Common Ground provides exclusive benefits such as being allowed to protest parties you weren’t invited to, guilt-free complaining about the xenophobic culture of Duke and the inherent smugness that fuels the two formers.
And, for the low added price of sharing YOUR “personal experience”—as long as it’s a personal experience of a heart-wrenching trauma from which you’ve never recovered—you can gain the exclusively inclusive elite membership! This membership makes everyone in the group love you without knowing anything about you except that you’re gay or you got raped one time. Bonus points are added if you can top the experience of someone else by claiming “double discrimination.” As a gay, black, transgender woman myself, let me give you this advice: Don’t mess around with lesser acceptance of others. Become uncommonly accepting today.
Don’t let these VIP memberships and more devour all of Duke culture into a swirling torrent of who-knows-who without getting YOUR share. Remember, at school it is not about the grades you make, but rather the hands you shake. Forget the plebeians and join one of these highly prestigious organizations today, or be left a big fish without a pond.
Mean Boy happens to be straight, but still fools many a pocket gaydar due to his quaff hair and muscular-but-gentle physique.
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