Dear Dookie,
I saw statistics in The Chronicle about gender issues at Duke. I was shocked at the gender disparity shown in the data, and at how common sexual assault is. What can I do to stop this problem?
—Worried Woman
Hi Mom,
Well Duke, it’s happening again. The feminists, being the half-succubus, half-Hillary Clinton, half-the-constantly-menstruating grizzly bear creatures that they are, have run out of their supply of human flesh and grant money and are begging for more. Did we not handle this last semester? Wasn’t there ALREADY a big feminazi hullabaloo this year? Something about a statute, or a statue—probably of a straight white guy—that was unpalatable to the “Womyn” of campus. As I recall, we got rid of it. Oh, and we also eliminated that one-year-to-report-a-rape thing, too. So now you can be asking for it AND forgetful! Feminists, we sane Duke attendees have met our quota of caring about your feelings. Now you’re just getting greedy.
So what is it now? Somebody’s statistics class project accidentally got published in The Chronicle and it’s blowing everyone’s minds. Well, I took Stat 101 freshman year, and can therefore make well-reasoned and causal conclusions from this data, free of confounding variables or actual mathematics.
So according to the authors, Duke’s social culture makes women less confident with each passing year. Well, that’s not Duke’s fault. It’s because they’re getting older, and as women, that means that they are getting uglier. Then there’s the incendiary statistic: 31 percent of Duke women are sexually assaulted while at Duke and 16 percent of fresh-women are sexually assaulted by another Duke student in their first six weeks of school. First, I have never thought of a more appropriate time to use the term “freshmeat.” Second, those statistics are false. I operate a well-read and highly emailed advice line, and not once has someone sent me a message about rape. I’m like, really close with my girl readers. If one of them had been sexually assaulted, they would tell me. Plus, where is the uproar? Where’s the National Guard? Why isn’t Dick Brodhead patrolling campus for other broad-headed dicks, with an M-16 in an American flag speedo, ready to tear sh-- up? If a problem existed, the menfolk in charge would already know about it and would have fixed it before you feminist types even realized. So yeah, I’m gonna have to say you pulled those statistics right out of Nate Silver’s hairy little a--.
But maybe things are as bad as you claim they are. Perhaps being a woman on Duke’s campus has become something of a drag. Well, here’s the Dookie, reporting for duty and ready with a solution: Remove all women from campus.
We’ve all been feeling the weight of about 50 percent too many X chromosomes on this campus for quite some time now. Really, it’s a wonder we’ve let them stay this long. Women contribute nothing to this campus. Exhibit A: parties. Socially, the women of Duke are not just avoiding pulling their weight, but they’ve also been DROPPING it through eating disorders (and really, why? You’ve heard the boys. They need something to hold onto while they use you!). Panhel banning women from throwing parties is just a bullsh-- excuse to steal men’s alcohol. Where’s the equality in that? If I want to go to a girls’ party, I’ll have to go to one thrown by Geeds—which I can only assume takes the form of an online meet-up in World of Warcraft.
And think: Without all the old vags occupying the top GPA spots with their visual studies majors and home ec classes, men will finally be back at the top of the class. Plus, with their new unemployed status, Duke’s women could assume a more appropriate place on campus: in the kitchen. Voila! Marketplace food, fixed.
Even more, if girls are gone, we never have to hear about the hookup culture or rape culture ever again. Totally into it the night before, regretting it by the next morning. Ladies, we saw the pictures. We heard the stories. You were BEGGING for it. Around guys, girls can be okay, but the danger is when girls get together without men. That’s when the rumors and false allegations start. Flip-flopping is only acceptable on the beach, girls. There is a lot to be lost when we’re talking about Duke men. They have big futures and bigger paychecks in front of them. We can’t let a girl’s short-term decision making and long-term buyer’s remorse put that in jeopardy. We have an endowment to protect—and I don’t just mean what’s contained behind those mid-thigh pastels.
So now the question is, how do we get these feminazis to leave? Personally, I am in favor of a historically vetted approach: appeasement. If you give them a little, they think they are winning. We eliminated the statute of limitations, but kept every other barrier to reporting. We address sexual assault in party monitor training—for 20 minutes alongside another laughable diatribe on why we should reinstate prohibition. Panhel was shifted to Central, and we made it seem like they wanted it. Sure, give the feminists a bystander intervention program—but only if people will voluntarily sign up for it. If our success continues, feminists will keep patting themselves on the back, while in the meantime, we push them out the door. Give those who already care what they want, and let business continue as usual.
Dear Dookie knows the difference between unwanted sexual contact, sexual assault and rape. Flattery isn’t unwanted, only undeserved … apparently. Follow the Dookie on Twitter @DearDookie.
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