A mousetrap loaded with candy hearts

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Sorry guys.

You probably think this holiday was made by a guy named Saint Valentine. You might think it was Pope Gelasius’s brainchild because you Wikipediaed it while writing a “History of the day!” section in your half-assed card. But the truth is I, The Devil, came up with Valentine’s Day centuries ago because I like to watch people suffer.

Valentine’s Day is the most painful holiday because very few folks get off work, and even fewer get off. The trick was to set the bar extremely high on women’s expectations. Boyfriends can only screw up; friends with benefits can only disappoint or make things awkward; singles are mandated by tradition to spend the day telling everyone how lonely they are on Facebook. (I don’t need to mention husbands, as their misery is celebrated year-round.)

Originally, I was going to call it “Magnify the Problems in your Relationship Day” but I was advised to be a little trickier than that by Hallmark, the most trusted consulting firm in all of evildom. They said I should give the holiday a mascot too and suggested we make an eagle f*** a baby then give their progeny a medieval weapon. I was like, “Sick. Let’s definitely do that.” Those Hallmark guys have never let me down.

We picked a girly color scheme and threw in some cardiac miseducation for good measure. A completely unrealistic, symmetrical heart was the perfect symbol for how I wanted to lie to kids about the nature of love and set them up for a lifetime of disappointment. It was so brilliant I even got Disney on board.

Then the commercial media jumped in on my side and the day got even better. Despite how jewelry ads spin it to guys, Valentine’s Day is not a holiday that guarantees sex. It’s not even in the top three any more. New Year’s Eve was always number one with its obligatory drunken kisses, followed by Halloween with its creative presentations of cleavage. But for the last three years, birthdays have held the top spot thanks to Jeremih. And even though many take matters into their own hands on Valentine’s Day, it goes without saying that the #1 holiday for jerking it is Palm Sunday.

I’ve always counted on sexually frustrated guys to do my finest work. I love to reminisce about the 4th of July in ’93 when I stole Bernie Madoff’s mistress. Or the winter of ’32 when I went to Germany and made sure no one gave Hitler a beej. But on Valentine’s Day I feel like I can be in a million places at once—Santa Claus style—because for one day people all over the world are getting pissed off that the one they want isn’t living up to their expectations.

The beauty of my holiday is that nearly everyone loses. However, there is one way for a guy to end up a Valentine’s Day winner. You can put away the pen and paper—you’ve already screwed it up this year. To get things right, you have to put in the forethought, plan way ahead and get everything perfect. I’m talking of course about breaking up with your girl a week before. She’ll be devastated by the timing and expect to spend Valentine’s Day alone … which is great. This allows you to spend the next week hooking up with single girls at their most vulnerable to promises of love. Have your fun and then rest up on the night of the 13th. Once you’ve read the first of your ex’s inevitable stream of self-pitying Facebook statuses on the 14th, steal some flowers from the Chapel and show up at her room.