I'm in love. And it's not just with myself or Natalie Portman this time.
At first, I thought it was one of those 24-hour things. I tried going to sleep with my head propped up on my pillow hoping it would just seep right out of me. But when I woke up it was still there. I tried going to Student Health but they said there's nothing they could do and handed me a free condom. But I'm pretty sure that's just going to make things worse.
And so I've come to the uncomfortable conclusion that my love will not pass like some common cold. My love is like Ebola and I'm doomed to never find the elusive green monkey that infected me. You see, unlike most, I'm not in love with a woman. I'm in love with the possibility of being in love. with a woman.
I'm in meta-love.
It's nothing special. I want what every guy wants-a meaningful relationship with a caring partner to enrich my life experience. It's just so difficult to find that when every girl at Duke is only interested in one-night stands and hooking up. And no amount of hard evidence and personal experience will convince me that's not the reality here. I've done the research. I've read the Rolling Stone article and "I Am Charlotte Simmons." Girls at Duke throw themselves at guys with little regard for physical or social consequences. That's just fact!
So a guy looking for love is already fighting the odds. First off, half of Duke is other dudes. So right away your chances of finding love are cut drastically. Second, the pool of available women entering Duke is limited from the start. Like too many shoes or a toaster oven, freshman girls bring unnecessary baggage to Duke-in this case, a boyfriend from home. And entering college with a significant other is a more terrible idea than getting a heart transplant at Duke Hospital. An incumbent boyfriend is like weightlifting at the age of 12-it's sure to stunt your growth. At some point, you've got to put down the old barbells, meet new exercises and see what kind of aerobic activity is right for you.
So after eliminating the girls that just want sex, the dudes and the old boyfriend holdovers, we're left with a very small portion of the Duke population: seven women, to be exact. I don't want to name names, but three of them are Chick-fil-A workers.
Then you face the problem of where to find the remaining four. This weekend I went searching for them in the best place I could think of to find quality women: Desirecourt.
What better place to search out a potential soulmate than a party advertised with pictures of attractive naked people? Her presence at the party alone indicates we already share one thing in common-our love of perceiving women as sexual objects. And as my Jewish mother would say about marrying within the race, that's just one more thing to hold us together rather than tear us apart.
I felt drawn to her immediately. Before I found her, it was as if I had been meandering up and down a crowded stairwell among listless souls peering into my life swirling inside a Solo cup. Actually that's exactly what the party was like, only it was Busch Light.
Catching her gaze from across the room, I couldn't tell what was sweeter-the knowing moment we shared or the peppermint Schnapps and chocolate syrup an older Mirecourt dude was serving me.
I invited her back to my apartment so we could get to know each other and my futon better. Things were going great until I said the worst thing humanly imaginable.
She suggested we watch "40 Year Old Virgin" and I agreed, noting, "It's a good movie to have on in the background. um. I mean. because we're going to be talking of course. Boobs!"
Love is a cruel game. Most girls won't get your improper exclamation of "boobs!" as a metaphor for the need to nurture a relationship in its infancy. But we still need love like West Campus needs cheap themed parties. Friends and family are essential but it's the romantic relationships that bring you the true highs and lows in life. Love is a roller coaster without a height requirement (believe me, I've dated a lot of short girls).
As a member of the Beatles, Vladimir Lenin once said, "All you need is love." But Lenin probably never went to Duke (I'll have to double-check that). So in the absence of love, I recommend sobbing through "Garden State" on mute with the Shins blaring in the background. But I wouldn't know if that helps.
ZACH BRAFF and Brandon Curl like long walks on the beach.
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